Ups and downs

In the midst of my depression, there are waves of euphoria. I guess that’s where the borderline personality disorder tendencies come in. Along with the following:

  • Fear of abandonment
  • Unstable relationships
  • Unclear or shifting self-image
  • Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors
  • Self-harm
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Explosive Anger
  • Feelings of suspicion or being out of touch with reality

I could go into great detail about how I fit into borderline personality disorder, but right now I’m feeling pretty jubilant.

It won’t last very long, so I might as well cling to it and write about it.

What has me feeling so overjoyed? My career.

I love being a librarian. I truly believe in the mission of public libraries. As someone I know recently tweeted:

Public libraries are the bastions of democracy, of connection, of co-creating knowledge, of direct service and of possibility. Invest in them.

https://twitter.com/Cristinakim830/status/1091955096332582912

Public libraries are the last public good. The last free community space available to anyone. It feels wonderful to be a part of something so vital, in such a vibrant city. We provide such a variety of services to as much of the population as we can.

Personally, becoming a librarian has been a saving grace. For five years I toiled in a job that wasn’t going anywhere. I didn’t feel very heard or appreciated/valued, and I certainly didn’t feel like I could be creative.

Especially in my current role, with my staff and colleagues, I have everything that was lacking in my previous job.

And that feels so good.

So, that’s why I feel so joyous right now. I’m immersed in appreciation for what I do. I’ve found my niche, my vocation, and I will only continue to grow from here. That’s such a wonderful thing to acknowledge.

If I didn’t have librarianship, I might be dead by now. For a long while, it seemed that my personal life and professional life were both going nowhere. To have such large voids in my being was devastating on so many levels. I had nothing to look forward to, nothing that brought value or meaning to my life.

Finally, I broke into the library world in the public library system I’d wanted to work for since I considered becoming a librarian. It was literally a dream come true.

Now, the work continues on the personal, interior life. It’s a long daily slog but maybe it will be worth it. Right now, I feel hopeful.

Here’s to becoming more well-adjusted, more self-aware, and more at peace!

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