My baseline mood these days seems to be pretty good. Mellow. Vibes.

Minor setbacks are unavoidable, but these days I bounce back swiftly. Over the years I’ve added many tools and resources to my arsenal, and now I reach for them so naturally.

I used to be very different. Depressed and socially anxious, I walked through my daily life on eggshells and drank heavily to dull all my feelings. In spite of these maladies, I was always high functioning. I was simply surviving though. Surviving yet somehow exceling at the same time.

I was exhausted all the time. My energy reserves were usually depleted by the weekend, and I’d spend it in a drunken stupor until I had to return to work. Accountability was and is important to me.

The critical moment was turning myself in as a 5150. It was a hard reset, and I was forced to really confront my mental illnesses in group DBT therapy. It was hard, and scary, and frustrating. I’d go to therapy for 2-3 hours, spill my guts with total strangers, then go to work for the rest of the day.

It ended up being absurdly rewarding in ways I never anticipated. I made new friends and completely rewired my brain.

I routinely tried to be vulnerable in group. It was the only way to benefit from the therapy as much as possible.

During this time I also started tweaking my cocktail of meds with the help of a new psychiatrist. I’ve now maintained my meds combination for the last four years.

I’m now very vocal about my mental health journey. Except with most of my family. I can’t yet tell them how dark things had been for me, but I can share with anonymous you.

I hope it helps others to know it is entirely possible to dig yourself out of an almost literal grave.

But I don’t want to sugarcoat things. It is difficult, painful work. It may take years to see progress, and the work is constant.

My god, is it worth it though. Now I only get sad when I think about all the things I won’t be able to experience simply because I’m mortal. The world is vast and the potential joys are limitless.

I once wanted nothing to do with the future.

Now I’m excited for what’s next.