they said.
I would if I had a story to tell. All I have is my own, and it’s hard to believe anyone would be interested in that.
But you’re here, so that must mean something.
My last post was about turning 38. I’m five months into a year with so many ups and downs in its short life. I crashed and burned a couple of months ago due to the weight of things, but after a few days of down time I was able to pick myself up again.
(Years of therapy have given me the tools I need to self-soothe and self-regulate.)
It’s subversive, radical even, to find joy in life when things seem so bleak. So I choose joy in this little life of mine. Part of that is looking forward to things I’ve put into place in the future.
I’ll be leaving soon for Japan and Star Wars Celebration. I’ve had this trip planned since last summer and it is finally here!
I’m traveling solo, which I haven’t done in a while. Some people might get lonely, but I relish the time to myself, and the flexibility and grace I’m able to give myself. It’s also a bit of a test; can I stand myself for two weeks?
I used to have trouble being alone, particularly after my separation from my ex-husband. I’d never lived alone before so the silence and loneliness were stark. My cats at the time definitely helped, but even an introvert needs social connection once in a while. That’s probably why I’m so invested in community; as much as it is work and effort, it is also self-serving because it makes me feel like I belong somewhere.
As a child, I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I didn’t deserve to belong. Too sensitive, too angry, too quiet, too shy. As an adult, I’ve learned to create my own spaces, to even believe I deserve good things. And since I know too well how it feels to be othered, I build community and intentionally bring folks together. I never want anyone to feel undeserving of love and kindness.
Anyway, Japan! I’ll be visiting Tokyo, Osaka, Kyoto, Aomori, and Hirosaki. Another whirlwind trip, but I don’t know how to vacation any other way.
I’m looking forward to SWC, clean cities, culture, food, music, everything! But I will miss my boyfriend, my cats, my friends, and even my work. My ordinary life.
Jaena Rae 