Time for a change.

I’m going to switch over from Xanga to this blog site, but I’d like to save my old entries from Xanga. Thus, I’ll randomly post old entries from Xanga until I have saved all the ones I want here. :]

Bear with me while I do this. I made the terrible mistake of destroying the five journals I wrote in during high school, and I do not want to repeat it.

“I was thinking about having a party on the 29th of this month. Not sure if that’s a good idea. I’ve planned plenty of parties before, but this would be the weekend after Thanksgiving. Should I consider that a factor? I’d rather not have a party with only relatives who play mahjong, or however that is spelled, till twilight. Too busy to party. Sort of a blessing.

Lilly and I went trick-or-treating, though it was raining a bit. Or rather, she got treats, and I got signatures. She was always several feet ahead of me because I was wearing 2-inch heels. It’s true; apparently helpless females attract attention. One of the guys passing out candy was my age and he kept me at his door by asking questions. Another guy who had been playing football came up behind me and started talking to me as well. A bit frightening. Afterwards, I scurried off and started yelling for Lilly.

Yesterday I was supposed to take the SAT2 at CSUDH but the power was out, so the test is postponed until the 15th, which is unfortunate because that’s the day of the AcaDeca Scrimmage. My friends and I decided to go to IHOP since we had almost four hours to while away. Tony surprised me because he had the waitresses sing “Happy Birthday” to me. My birthday was the last thing on my mind. I started to blush profusely so I kept my head down to avoid the camera, but our waitress started poking me. It was one of those pleasant surprises that I cherish so much. My best friend from middle school was there too.

All in all, an extraordinary weekend.” – Sunday, November 02, 2003 6:42 p.m.

“When I walk through my school, I feel like I’m at the zoo. That I am merely observing everything that is going on. I am not a part of any shenanigan or clique. I am just watching. Because I’m surrounded by racists and bigots and materialists. And hell, who the fuck wants to talk to people like that?

Always exceptions. I need to remember that.” – Tuesday, November 04, 2003 7:34 p.m.

“Romance is so sad. Your hope bubbles and you believe in something, in someone. A wistful smile. Things could have been better.”Wednesday, November 05, 2003 5:29 p.m.

“Last chance. Another try. Repetition, annoying. Every step. Anger. Birthday Sunday. Airport Sunday. Long awaited. Vacation. New faces, familiar sights. Not worried. Excited, somewhat. Tired. Me. Him. No more. Stop. Hate it. Love it. Want it. Something new. Need it. So tired. No more. Too tired. Handle it. No. Silly. Everything is. Sheep. Many of them. All. Charlie Brown. Love. “Forever.” Never. Fleeting. Always. Done.”Friday, November 07, 2003 2:07 p.m.

“Oh, more than this… there is nothing!

I’ll be absolutely ordinary and talk about my day because it was absolutely stellar! Even though it is the day before my birthday, I had a wonderful time, excluding the AcaDeca workshop that I force myself to go to every few weeks. People kept calling to wish me a happy birthday. And at 3pm I watched my seemingly conservative AcaDeca coach jump over three fences in order to get into the school. He was pretty fast. And then I had to pick up my brother from Hallelujah Driving School, the same one I attended, and Lilly’s mom and sister were there! What a coincidence. Then Dad said he was going to take me out to dinner and that it was a surprise. He got onto the freeway and my brother speculated that we were going to a surprise party in my honor at my aunt’s house, as she had just called to find out what I was doing. But we ended up at Joe’s Crab Shack. Funny place. The waiters started dancing to that song.. “At the Carwash.” Line dancing! I had a great time. I enjoy myself when I’m with Dad and Nathan. They’re funny fellows. My dad ordered crab legs and our waitress made him wear a bib.

Tomorrow I’m off to San Francisco. Hurrah! A vacation. What a welcome respite from applications and dull, two hour classes. I’m going to take a lot of pictures and send postcards to a select few. I’m actually getting giddy.

I don’t care what I get for my birthday. I’m surprised that many people have actually remembered it. I don’t quite understand why the day of your birth is so special. I suppose its nice that people notice me even though I prefer to keep myself private. The day has yet to end! And I’m in an terribly perfect mood.

Lovely.” – Saturday, November 08, 2003 7:11 p.m.

“I am not a people person. I can play it off all I want, but deep down everyone annoys me.

I shouldn’t leave Carson much. Everytime I do, I hate it even more when I get back.

I hate my grandparents. My mother’s side.

I’ve got rhythm, I’ve got music, I’ve got my man, who could ask for anything more?

Explosions are fun.

It doesn’t matter. I gave up on you a long time ago. Whatever happens now is solely your choice.

Friendship doesn’t mean anything. I don’t have friends. Maybe lovers, acquaintances.

But, let’s pretend. Always.” – Wednesday, November 12, 2003 1:34 p.m.

“Once upon a time, she fell in love. And it was shit.

And there were sleepless nights, and empty days, and oodles and oodles of silence.

She saw and she heard and she felt every stab, pain radiating from every hole thrust.

It happened twice, and she grew tired of it.

Love was always a lie.

Sex. Sleep. Food. Alcohol. Hurrah for the good life.

A toast to the primal! Fuck like rabbits, you arrogant bastards.” – Thursday, November 13, 2003 7:07 p.m.

“Hot. Burning. Oh, God. Hotter. Everything’s red. Blurry. Lovely. Just us. Always. Hotter and hotter still.

And now its so cold… =(

If only…

But I can’t hope anymore.” – Saturday, November 22, 2003 8:50 p.m.

“Boredom. I should be doing something productive instead of prattling away on this.

Let’s do something drastic. Drive me up a wall. Rape me. Tell my grandparents I am not a virgin and haven’t been for quite some time. Something, please. It gets so tiresome sitting here, counting how many more days I shall find myself sitting in front of my computer, wishing Time would move faster so that I could relinquish most of the ties I have created here. Though, truth be told, when I think about leaving certain people, I get all misty-eyed. I have even begun carrying my camera with me at school to capture those amusing and spontaneous events that make me laugh each day. I intend to give myself the luxury of viewing these photographs, these snapshots of moments that will never exist again, whenever I please. I don’t believe an individual could be content, or “complete,” if he does not have the security of knowing and feeling comfortable with his past, however murky and sordid it may be.

It was a mistake; however, I suffer no consequences, you asshole.

Parties. I hate parties. I only have one each year because my mother insists. I prefer small, exclusive gatherings. With alcohol.

I don’t like being serious at school. I’d rather appear frivolous. And flighty. Always chipper. Perhaps a less annoying version of Nora. Being serious, for me, means being all frowns. And it is incredibly annoying when people ask about it.

And there goes my little spiel. Done. Ciao.” – Tuesday, November 25, 2003 8:10 p.m.

“Closer and closer still. Just like before. Lovely. Never lose touch. Never lose me. Kisses. Lingering. Warmth. Dearest. I cannot help but hope. And its painful. Frightening, even. It won’t last. It can’t. It never could. And still…

Dare I say it? No, not for a long while. I don’t dare to.” – Wednesday, November 26, 2003 10:49 p.m.

“One night we’ll be lying beneath the stars together.
It will be silent, utterly silent.
The stars will be the only illumination for miles.
And then you’ll turn to me and whisper,
“Finally! We’ve waited so long for this.”
And I’ll just smile, thinking on the truth of your words.
We’ll move closer together and begin to talk.
About our dreams and beliefs.
What our lives have thus far taught us.
We’ll talk the way we had always wanted to.
We’ll be able to actually look into each other’s eyes.
Sense the truth and conviction behind our thoughts.

And then what?
Will we tire of each other?
Its very likely.
Because even the likelihood of that ever happening is slim.
I would be too afraid to be with you that way.
I’m a hopeless romantic.
And I’m guessing that you aren’t.
I pray that you prove me wrong.” – Friday, November 28, 2003 9:14 p.m.

“What scares me most is the concept of losing everyone. I have only recently realized how sincerely people care about me. And it’s a heady feeling. It makes one believe she is capable of anything. This one simple acknowledgement, which should not have been difficult at all, has profoundly changed my perspective in less than a week. I spent too long believing no one cared. Ultimately, I ended up pushing everyone away. I became aware that my main fear was of myself. I sought to change it all. I talked and talked. I had people bawl me out for choosing to keep it all in.

Now that I know, now that I truly believe in friendship, it is the only thing that I would dare not lose. I cannot always keep my friends from coming to harm, and neither they nor I can guarantee that we will see each other tomorrow. As long as they know how much I value them, I will be happy. All of you were there for me at my worst, even if you weren’t quite sure what the hell was wrong with me. You guys pulled through! I pulled through! I know there will be wild and rough times ahead, but suddenly life seems so much more manageable. It’s sort of silly that it took me so long to realize this.

I consider so many individuals as friends that it’s almost laughable. I don’t want any single one of you to feel unnecessary pain and sadness. Don’t let yourselves be manipulated by people that see you as more of a resource than anything else.

Tony! I never dreamed that you’d be one of my closest confidantes, but I’m happy that you are. We’ll continue to have plenty of good times, yep. We better.

Donna! You’re amusing. I can’t seem to stay serious when I’m with you. Donna’s a drug. I’m addicted to Damo.

Richard! You have turned out to be my complete opposite in so many ways. I can’t imagine how that happened, and though we make each other nuts, I will always care about you.

Jessica! You’ve been my girlfriend for just about five years now. You’re always so peppy. I get so hyper from hanging out with you and Damo. You make me sleepy. But sleepy in a good way. Mmhmm.

Hum, Ozzie! You’re afraid of cats… ahahahahaha. I feel a lot closer to you these days than ever before. I’ve also been a lot happier lately. Hmmm… is there some sort of correlation? Iono. =P

Jorlyn! Geez, you’re scary. You are never afraid to say what is on your mind. And I love you for it. For some reason, I’ve always viewed you as invincible. But don’t forget that you’re human too.

Gooey! You came into my life and swept me off my feet, despite your ill will in the beginning. I really enjoy our conversations, especially the one we had today. And I’m working on the Indi thing. Still trying to figure out the hair.

Laura! I know I don’t talk to you as much these days. You know what? You’re probably the first real friend I ever had. I miss those simple days, when boys were yuck, and mixing nail polish was fab.

Paul! Our super friend status is incontestable. It made me really happy when you first said I was a super friend at Cornell. I love you platonically, but I hate your legs. I loathe them. You should get them waxed.

Alright. I’m getting lazy, but if you are not mentioned, that does NOT mean I value you more or less than anyone else. I don’t mind if you get mad at my lazy ass. Call me out on it. Make me regret my laziness.

There are so many of you! And more to come, I’m sure. For every one of you who has ever made me laugh and smile, who has made me feel that there is something right in this life, who has felt they could confide in me, who has taken the time to hear me out, who has learned to put up with my bullshit, who has ever let me waste their precious time, THANK YOU. I am so happy these days just because I have you as friends.

I’m here for you! Don’t you ever forget that. I’ll feel as if I failed you as a friend. I know that when times are rough, no one believes anyone cares. Just remember your friends. They will be there for you if you let them.

I am so happy. It’s sickening. =P” – Friday, December 05, 2003 8:19 p.m.

“Feeling rather silly right now. And, oh dear, how it matters to me! Not quite sure what I want. Perhaps just the feeling. All that intensity. Still wonderful. A bit antsy. Dancing inside. Bubbling. Young. Regretfully realistic. What happened to all those dreams?

I’ll continue my trysts, I’ll have my fun, but you’ll always be my first love. Although we have parted I’ll never forget the smile in your eyes, the warmth of your heart, your dear voice saying my name. It seems like we keep losing each other all over again. It never hurts any less. I wish it would. And I wish you no longer felt the same. We are always pretending, but it just makes things worse. Don’t tell me you need me. Don’t tell me you miss me. Don’t dare tell me you love me. You taught me something. We should leave it at that.” – Sunday, December 07, 2003 2:51 p.m.

“Dull once again. The clarity continues to wane. Galloping headlong into reveries, into sweeping dreams. Deeper and deeper into the past, when magic merged with reality, when breaths mingled and fingertips grazed. Delve and discover. Weep and want. Live and love.

Integrate. Yet do not lose touch with days past.” – Sunday, December 14, 2003 8:04 p.m.


Strange dream last night. I was exhausted from watching a movie and staying till 11pm at school for the newspaper, but I had to cook for today’s potlucks. While I was lying in bed on the phone, awaiting the oven’s buzzer, I saw a spider on the pillow next to my head. It was a gigantic fuzzy thing, and it was slowly moving towards me. I jumped up and away, but when I looked back, it was gone. I’m not sure if it was sheer exhaustion or the fumes from the oven.

Ah, yes, the dream. In it, my grandma died. My dad’s mother. And I couldn’t stop crying. I’d walk around trying to smile, but the tears would just fall. Probably from the movie I watched. Fascinating. I woke up in a weird mood. Not refreshed, but winter break is fast approaching. Yay!” – Thursday, December 18, 2003 6:57 p.m.

“So close to being content. Great friends, good times. I love myself, even with all the scars, obscure or not. Few things rile me up anymore, besides family and a certain someone. And oh, how that someone digusts me. I cannot stop myself from feeling for that person, however. I wish I could. The heart typically has a different agenda from the mind, eh? Keeps telling me there is no reason to worry. Yet there is. So much. Was not always that way. Not that way when with me. Wish I could stop hearing everything. Wish it would stop. Leave me be with more mature people, who understand themselves. Who do not mind talking. Sharing. Who respect people.

“Is pity the start of love, or the end of it?”” – Thursday, December 18, 2003 9:16 p.m.

“eh eh eh eh eh eh


It will take time.


Deal with it alone.

White roses. =(

I want.

Sail away.

Get over it.



Stop it.

Pictures, none.





Too many.

Move on.

My dear fellow fiend.

Gray skies.

We care too much.

Hate you.

Grueling experiment.

Surfacing.” – Sunday, December 21, 2003 12:24 a.m.

“‘What would that be like – to long, to yearn for one who is right there before your eyes, day in and day out? I’ll never know.’

Silly, this nervousness. It bubbles within, escaping through my fingertips and my thin laughs. Its unbearable.” – Saturday, January 03, 2004 10:14 p.m.


Tony owes me a boat.

Fascinating conversation with Laura all day yesterday. Yep. Lots of stories.

A pretty long and boring day. Stuck at mall for several hours. I finally got insurance though. Keith passed his test yesterday too. Mmm… My brother has a new lady friend. Laura and I were just driving around because we didn’t want to stay at this little party my grandma put together for my brother’s birthday. It ended up being mostly family. I went to buy a Sugarplum Princess Barbie for my goddaughter. Yadda yadda. Tried looking for Laura’s new “beau.” Nowhere to be found. Should have called my boyfriend… Alas. I’m silly.

Tonight will be hell. I really dislike dressing up. Always feel awkward. Most comfy in jeans and whatever. However, the night has not yet begun. We shalls see how it unfolds… O.o Might be nice to see everyone all dressed up. At least I get to see Oz finally. <— What the hell. =P

I like that I am pretty candid and open. I only keep secrets to amuse myself and to torment others. Not for long though.

Lately I have been making it a point to keep in touch with people that I lost contact with over the years. I emailed Tracy, my mom’s ex-boyfriend. Updated him on what has been going on. I miss him. I could really talk to that guy. Probably one of the first adults I felt really comfortable around. Now he’s always traveling. Sometimes he’s in Washington, D.C., Hawaii, Seattle, San Francisco… Hurrah for the Internet.

High school… Crazy times. How people grow and change over four years is amazing. I hate to think back on how I was as a freshman. Disgusting. Sophomore year… A weakling till the holidays. I was completely different by the time second semester began. Junior year. A bit more settled into myself. In a sense, I was living in more illusions then. Blind and ignorant to a lot of things. Nothing big happened until I went to Cornell for the summer. How I experimented there… Tested my boundaries, etc. It made me realize a lot too. It was my first extended stay away from family. Six weeks of “independence.” I didn’t really get homesick, but the experience made me realize the significant contributions the people here at home make to what I call LIFE. Made me more appreciative of both the familiar and the unknown. When I went to Cornell, I felt more like myself. I was so disheartened to return to California. After a day, I fell into the same old rut. It was aggravating. I regressed to my former self before Cornell, and in some ways I got worse. I became really bitter. Couldn’t find anything to really like about anyone or anything here. Blind to it all. I isolated myself in so many little ways. Told myself certain people were the only ones who cared. Oy, that backfired. =) Many things started happening at once. Couldn’t handle it without the help of a lot of people, who turned out to be the very individuals I thought didn’t give a shit. Turned me around completely. Look where I am now! So happy. Content. And in control. LIFE IS EXCITING AGAIN! You guys made me realize plenty. THANK YOU!

Party party party.” – Saturday, January 10, 2004 12:55 p.m.

“Another post… Seems like I have all the time in the world, eh?

Imagine all the things that I don’t put on here. Everything else that goes into the myriad of journals strewn upon my carpet. A mystery. A quandry.

Who wants to play “What if”?


My love. My trust. My heart. All yours. Maybe someday.

Feeling so much. My heart is always racing.

I am so in touch with myself. What I want, what I need. I feel secure. I KNOW MYSELF. And overall I think I’m rather swell. =P Gives me the luxury of loving others. The immensity of it all is overwhelming.


Stop rotting away, my dear, dear Din.

“Maybe sometime soon…”

I remember voices. I remember how the voices made me feel.

All of my memories simmer just below the surface of my consciousness. An arbitrary object can set my mind afire, bringing up a memory, of someone’s face, someone’s voice, a singular instant in which I felt irrepressible joy, or sadness. A moment when I felt like slamming my head against the wall, or collapsing to the ground, wishing to let go, to sink and cease wallowing. Complete elation or confusion.

I love it.” – Sunday, January 25, 2004 7:55 p.m.

“Chris does not drop my ego.

He actually makes it go away for a while.


He’s laughing at me.

I know something about him that you don’t know.

His chest hurts.

He has a big ass.

I was looking at it in the Counseling Office because he stood up.





Going to leave!

Who wants to come with?

Puh loo chee! Look at that site. If you ever read my xanga. You bastard.” – Wednesday, February 11, 2004 1:55 p.m.

“Brother: Dad, sign me up for Confirmation.

Dad: You really want to go?

Brother: Yeah, I need to.

Dad: You too, right Jaena?

Me: I don’t want to.

Dad: What do you mean, “you don’t want to”? You have to or else you’re going to Hell.

Me: I don’t believe in Hell.

Dad: Oh.

Hayashi. Yummy. Bro went to Talent Show thing at CHS, so I had to wait for him. Though I originally had no intention of going with Mike to the Groundzero Coffeeshop at USC, I ended up there. Got lost, even though it was right next to where we parked. Listened to Phaze One and Remedy play. Haven’t seen those guys in ages, surprised they all still remember me. Bro was still at CHS, so we ended up at Denny’s. Mike’s uncle was there. Oh no. Thought we were a “couple” and kept making eyes at us. His buddies too. He paid our check and gave Mike money. One of his friends said, “Lucky night, eh?” Something to that effect. Amusing. Tried so hard not to laugh because they were all whispering and looking at me. Picked up bro. Took his friends home. Now finally in my room here in Cerritos. Yay. Tired. Feeling old.

“Work” tomorrow.

Ciao.” – Friday, February 27, 2004 11: 56 p.m.

“Who wants to know why I love my super friend?!

What is up?

This is Paul Espanola, a senior from Carson High
School and the following are a couple of tidbits from
my stuff? Enjoy.

Name: Paul Espanola (You guys can call me either Paul
or Espanola, it doesn’t matter)

Birthdate: January 13, 1986.

The information directly above also signifies that I
am a Capricapcom.

Race: I am a Philippines.

I am was born in from the Filipino city called the

Hobbies: I like to play basketball, listen to music,
bowlings, play pools, driving, eating, and the
drawings, films.

Don’t think that I’m asthmatic, I’ve been a Roman
Catholic all my life.

Extracurricular activities: Journalism, Basketball,
Work, Clubs (Bowl:ers Association- Under construction;
Off-campus Key Club- Need a Kiwanis Sponsor)

I love my girlfriend.

I drive a black Nissan or/and/why a blue Dodge.

I am a legal driver.

I am writing this in my dorm in Cornell University.
Jaena has forcing I to write this, so I do.

Solid: Chocolate and In-and-out.

Liquid: Orange Juice or any organic drinks.

Gas: I don’t smokes.

I have a big family: 2 parents (Mom and Dad); 4
siblings (sister, brother, sister, sister)

Color: At the moment, I don’t match, so pick any and
it’ll be my favorite.

*You chose pink huh?*

I like vintage clothing, and yes, I DO wear clothes.

I have disgustingly long hair.

I have the thickest leg hairs (Our captain says they
make it seem like my legs have a black outline around

I’ve only been here for 5 years.

I’ve lived in Singapore, the Philippines, and Malaysia
for a while.

Music: Hip-hop, alternative rock, Neosoul, Soul,
Oldies, etc.

Band: Linkin Park and the Roots

Musical Instrument: The Drums.

Sounds: Rain, and the drums.

How much money do I have in my wallet right now?

What is in your wallet right now?
Pictures of my Girlfriend and various invalid ID’s.

I have a gap in between my two front lower teeth.

I am STILL in California time.

I like photography, Greek mythology, Chemistry,
Physics, Journalism, and other languages.

Colleges applying to: USC, Cornell.

Why?: Because they have a balance between the
technical and the liberal.

Manual transmission.

Laughter is the fastest way between two people.

Is that all?

If I missed anything, feel free to e-mail me and ask
me directly. I’ll be more than happy to answer any of

Thank you to alls.

*Paul exits through the emergency exit doors*

*Alarm*” – Monday, March 08, 2004 10:44 p.m.


Holy fuck. Believe you me. Ironic, as well, isn’t it Mike?

Anyway, family interests me. Not the bonds. Not the unconditional love, though I’m sure that exists. Just seeing your own particularly unique traits in another person, whether they be physical or entirely mental and behavioral. Flipping through family photos can absorb me for quite a while. It makes me ponder how alike or how different I am from the people in my immediate family, and it astounds me even more when I realize how similar I am to an aunt or cousin I rarely see.


Ah well. I’m still me. Totally. Absolutely. =D

Pump it up!

Sudden urge to go back to my “roots.”

What I wouldn’t give for another crack at childhood!

I’m going to be adding random stuff as the night proceeds. Nothing better to do…


I’m a puddly giggle of gunk. And its all your fault. Grrr.

You find me bizarre? Well then… I don’t know. Drat.

Left me speechless.

Fight-or-flight. Guess what my first instinct is? O.O

Video game tournaments. I miss those.

Oh. And I miss playing Knights. Damnit. No time though.

I’m not evil enough yet!

I might write a story on Johnny Depp… just to get this obsession under wraps. I never considered it an obsession… but it has the makings of one. Might as well quell it asap.

*ahem* Editor-mode.

Well, nevermind.

I’ll do that at school. I need writers. And lots of them. People who can actually write well. Or at least can formulate their thoughts in an orderly manner.

Mmm mmm mmm… =D

Danny’s happy! Because he’s on his spring break. Grrr.


I need barrels of cash to do what I want to do. That, and fame. I need to be well-known in certain aspects. And for those of you who know of my plans, don’t ruin them for me. I know one of you will watch in amusement, but the other… just don’t try anything. I don’t know what it would mean if I were to fail or to succeed. Either way, it’ll be a blast. =D

I want a vacation.

I should uproot myself and wander. Take the Devil’s Road. He seems like a sexy guy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeeeeaaaahhh. Yeah. YeeAAAHHHH.

Oil change. Psh.


Visiting hours are from now till whenever. Remember that.

la la la la la la laaaaaaa la. la la la la la la laaaaaaaa.” – Thursday, March 11, 2004 10:57 p.m.

“I prefer to do things on my own. It is not a matter of whether or not I can handle it, at least not wholly. Growing up and even now, my parents seem to think I am not fully capable of handling myself. They just do not realize that I make them do things when they are around because otherwise their primary function in my life is that of an ATM machine. I have always enjoyed being by myself. I do not necessarily need the company of others to feel good. I used to take walks at night by myself. Gaze at the stars by myself. For a time I felt like I was completely alone, though not unhappily so.

Ah well. Sometimes I need to be alone with my thoughts. Maybe just to revel in something good. Or maybe to cry. Let out whatever it is, even if the source is not exactly clear yet. There are moments of inexplicable joy or sadness that I cannot fully comprehend. I do not fight it, or struggle against it.

Oy, Melodrama. You are so useful at times, but then after the fact, you shame me.

I am a hybrid. Har.

Because girls suck. For the most part.

You tell me what is going on inside.

How often do malicious thoughts cross my mind?

Would you like me so much if you knew?

Everything you say sounds like a rhyme. Everything I hear becomes a riddle.

I miss my Cornell family. I do not talk to you much, but for some reason I believe that if we were to meet up somewhere, sometime, we would not miss a beat. Things would fall together nicely. No awkward pauses. Not having to search for things to say. We would launch into some grand conversation. Or at least enjoy ridiculing others.

Do you understand?

Today is Monday. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Will that be our day?

So it goes.


Ciao.” – Monday, March 15, 2004 2:49 p.m.

“So Just Breathe: what did your syracuse letter look like?
oOo pinch me: s?
So Just Breathe: OL
oOo pinch me: it was in a big packet
So Just Breathe: okay.
So Just Breathe: then i know i’ll get rejected if it’s small.
oOo pinch me: yeesh
So Just Breathe: you’d think they’d mail me something by now if i got in.
oOo pinch me: true
So Just Breathe: so i’m ready for it.
oOo pinch me: get anything else so far?
So Just Breathe: no.
So Just Breathe: nothing else matters.
oOo pinch me: when are all the other schools supposed to come in?
So Just Breathe: in april.
oOo pinch me: mmmk
oOo pinch me: no other school matters?
So Just Breathe: no.
So Just Breathe: except berkeley.
So Just Breathe: i don’t give a shit about the rest.
So Just Breathe: the only school i ever wantedto go to was syracuse.
oOo pinch me: yeeah those were the only schools i wanted to go to
So Just Breathe: but if they don’t want me i can’t go.
oOo pinch me: cal, syracuse, or boston
So Just Breathe: you got into syracuse…
oOo pinch me: yeah…
So Just Breathe: more than i can say for myself.
oOo pinch me: you can make yourself happy wherever
So Just Breathe: but i don’t want wherever.
oOo pinch me: i know
So Just Breathe: i slaved my ass to get into that school.
So Just Breathe: i did everything.
So Just Breathe: do you have any idea how much it really hurts to think about it?
oOo pinch me: i’d be lying if i agreed
So Just Breathe: and i slaved my ass to get raised to fuckin rank four but what does it matter if i do get rejected?
So Just Breathe: it really doesn’t.
oOo pinch me: there’s no real use in pining over it though, right?
oOo pinch me: its out of your hands
oOo pinch me: unless you want to do an appeal
So Just Breathe: can’t do anything but pine.
oOo pinch me: but pining is useless
oOo pinch me: doesn’t do anything for you
So Just Breathe: if you understood you’d know.
oOo pinch me: i never really cared so much about all that like you did
oOo pinch me: but yeah, probably
So Just Breathe: exactly.
So Just Breathe: that makes it all the worse.
oOo pinch me: why?
oOo pinch me: we have very different outlooks on life
So Just Breathe: and so we do.
oOo pinch me: i don’t know what to tell you.
So Just Breathe: because you can’t tell me anything.
oOo pinch me: however, i do apologize if i made it seem like i was throwing the fact in your face
oOo pinch me: never my intention
oOo pinch me: i just thought that you would want to know since you always asked if i received anything.
So Just Breathe: you sure made a great way of saying it.
So Just Breathe: if you knew that i wanted to go there more than anything
So Just Breathe: why did you tell me?
oOo pinch me: you always asked.
So Just Breathe: you should have been able to tell by the look on my face.
oOo pinch me: never intended it to be malicious.
oOo pinch me: all i remember is asking you whether you received anything
So Just Breathe: well you can congratulate yourself on making me feel like shit.
oOo pinch me: i already apologized.
So Just Breathe: .
oOo pinch me: nothing mroe i can do
oOo pinch me: i can’t take it back
oOo pinch me: i never intended it.
So Just Breathe: yeah i know you can’t.
oOo pinch me: what are you really mad at ME about?
So Just Breathe: trust me, you can feel bad all you want but when you get your heart ripped out you’ll understand what i feel like.
oOo pinch me: i won’t be getting my heart ripped out any time soon.
So Just Breathe: i know.
So Just Breathe: why i’m mad?
So Just Breathe: you don’t know how much time and effort i put into that shit.
So Just Breathe: and you didn’t even send in your mid years or do a fuckin interview.
oOo pinch me: you can’t seriously be mad at ME for that.
So Just Breathe: no i wouldn’t be mad if you put time into it but it seems as if you half assed everything.
oOo pinch me: it was not my decision.
So Just Breathe: and it’s not fair.
oOo pinch me: if you say so.
So Just Breathe: it seems like you get everything handed to you.
oOo pinch me: doesn’t matter if i do.
So Just Breathe: you don’t know what work is
So Just Breathe: you don’t know what pain is.
oOo pinch me: all of that stuff doesn’t necessarily make one happy.
oOo pinch me: stop complaining.
So Just Breathe: you don’t know what rejection is.
oOo pinch me: come to terms with the fact.
oOo pinch me: you speak of injustic
oOo pinch me: e
So Just Breathe: i have come to terms with it.
oOo pinch me: but why are you getting mad at ME
oOo pinch me: doesn’t seem so.
So Just Breathe: but i hate every ounce of it.
oOo pinch me: then you haven’t really reconciled with it.
oOo pinch me: if it still evokes such passion in you.
So Just Breathe: do i have to?
So Just Breathe: does it matter?
oOo pinch me: ask yourself that.
So Just Breathe: it’s not like i’m going to know you after hs.
oOo pinch me: that’s up to you.
oOo pinch me: you’re being unnecessarily cruel.
So Just Breathe: i’m not being cruel.
So Just Breathe: i’m being honest.
oOo pinch me: you’re making it seem so personal.
oOo pinch me: there is no use in comparing ourselves with one another
So Just Breathe: then so be it.”
Monday, March 22, 2004 8:41 p.m.

“The Boat by Patrick O’Leary

I am in a boat.
No. We are in a boat.
And it’s not a boat
but you know what I mean

And the boat is going somewhere
Or maybe nowhere.
But it is floating for now.
Unless it’s sinking.

It is so comforting to be in a boat.
To have a vessel. A destination.
We don’t know the destination.
But at least we’re floating.

But then there is the ocean
Or this small part of its depth
That surrounds us, buoys us
As if it wanted us to be here.

We do not think about the depths
Below us. The cold dark water
Unbreathable undrinkable.
Who would want to drink an ocean even if they could?

So this boat. this water.
You and I
between here and there.
Is somebody rowing?

In this whole world
There is only you and I and this boat.
On this ocean. And what happens
depends on us or the ocean.

I say we have to be very careful.
We are only so strong.
A boat is a delicate thing.
And I have never seen an ocean broken.

I say we love each other,
But that is so easy to say.
That means knowing
who we’re rowing with.

We did not choose the ocean.
We did not choose the boat.
We did not choose each other.
But we must choose.” – Saturday, April 17, 2004 4:11 p.m.

“CaviarClubMember: “awwwwww
CaviarClubMember: “*
oOo pinch me: hmm?
CaviarClubMember: you like seeing me happy
CaviarClubMember: awwww
CaviarClubMember: if i were a girl
CaviarClubMember: id say “how cute”
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: of course
CaviarClubMember: thanks bub
CaviarClubMember: i like seeing u happy too
oOo pinch me:
CaviarClubMember: whoohoo!
CaviarClubMember: jaena is my kick ass friend

My kick ass friend that only kick ass kids can have” – Monday, May 24, 2004 2:36 p.m.

“Something’s a-miss. My heart is tugging at something. Its trembling for something. Something almost new, frightening. Its been lying buried, dormant. And oh, is it ready to rediscover.

Take it. Savor it. It won’t be horrible. The plunge will be lovely once you get past that dizzying feeling as you teeter on the edge.

Its almost tangible. This feeling. Almost eerily physical. Tears want to fall, laughter desires escape. They both want safe passage, welcomed expression.

The tugging will not cease. It comes in waves, causing undulations of confusion and anxiety. The pleasant kind. The wait before a kiss. That kiss. His kiss. Before a hug. A sunset.

Nothing negative. Never for long, at the very least.

It needs expression. It breeds silence. I can’t articulate, but only because my thoughts are racing.

When I feel like this, you come to mind.

You made me feel like this at one point. You were the first, I think.

And so its happening again, but not with you. And I didn’t think it possible. But it is. And its happening on such a grander scale. On so many levels. I didn’t think it possible.

I just didn’t think it possible.

That “lovely pang.”

That’s what it is. A lovely pang.

Its terribly delicious. Brutally beautiful.

I just didn’t think it possible.

And its a bit frightening, in a thrilling sort of way. I am not the least bit afraid. I am much more confident this time.

This increase, this strange surge. Its overwhelming. Its all I feel when my mind grows quiet. When I prefer the silence.

I want to hear my own heart for once. We are getting to know each other again. Such familiar strangers we are.

I didn’t think it possible. Yet I’m glad that it is.” – Tuesday, June 01, 2004 10:58 p.m.

“You are incorrigible!

You are one ruthless son of a bitch.

My heart’s beating as fast as a bunny humps.

What to do…

Where to go…

Shall I just close my eyes and take random turns?

Ohhh… where’s my honey bunch?

sugar pie honey bunch
you know that i love you
i can’t help myself
i love you and nobody else

Damn straight.

I want to scream.

Just for the hell of it.

I want to feel alive.

I want every atom within to hum.

Jaena wins!

Does she really?

Disappear like the worthless wisp that you are.” – Saturday, July 17, 2004 8:06 p.m.

“The Fiend of Nocturnal Solace

Fresh from Hell’s Gates, traipsing through the mists
sinister Nightmare came silently strolling.
The fiend of nocturnal solace stalked onward,
seeking sleepers in their warm cribs.
Beneath crystal moonbeams he wandered
until he savored his prey’s breath, a warm puff
against the night air. Never had he
encountered a child, before or since,
already so distraught and destroyed. His lips curled in savage
delight as he envisioned the havoc he
would further wreak upon this delicate cub’s mind,
even after the Sun’s gold burned away the night.
He sensed many others in the home, unaware
in their slumber, content in security;
they unconsciously awaited their turns.
Inebriated and impetuous, he inched onward
and probed the source of the young one’s
misery. And upon discovering it,
Nightmare giggled with glee. On and on,
Death’s kinsman meandered through the
girl’s murky mind-moors,
searching for her anguished heart. Before morning,
he would rip the hope from her core and smother it,
gorge on her tears; but he would find himself
quite surprised by night’s end.
Unguarded and distressed,
the youth trembled, knowing full well
evil tampered with her tenuous slumber. She
fought off the images the monster threw before
her unseeing eyes; her screams were locked within.
Her fragile hold on fantasy and reality were
being contested without her consent. Nightmare
struck randomly and aimlessly, and drove
deeper within her psyche; he mauled the
fortress of her mind, tore through her
delightful memories, bolted down anything
lovely, leaving her mind utterly devoid of joy.
Our young prisoner heard the wolves howling; the
dread of the night would leave her nothing.
Venturing deeper still, the dream-lord uncovered
the child’s true agony. He found himself
in a torrent swifter than anything
he had ever encountered in any living creature
God fashioned.” – Thursday, September 30, 2004 8:51 p.m.

jonassaid: id rather have you wear a trench coat
jonassaid: lol
oOo pinch me: haha why
jonassaid: and a beanie and sunglasses
oOo pinch me: what the hell
oOo pinch me: haha
jonassaid: so no one would look at my cousin with certain intentions
jonassaid: lol
oOo pinch me: hahahaha
oOo pinch me: awww
oOo pinch me: HOW CUTE”
Monday, October 04, 2004 3:41 p.m.

“All of this is such an adjustment. Most of it is positive, but even so, sometimes I just want to crawl underneath my bed and either reflect on everything that is happening around me, or reminisce about high school, which now I realize I did not appreciate at all. I did not believe so much change could be so damaging, so misleading, so overwhelming.

I mean, holy fuckin’ shit. I have just moved across the country from virtually everyone I know and love. Wow. What a drastic change. I am discovering that I really will have to put myself on the line in order to make friends, connections, beautiful memories.

A new world awaits. [Shit]” – 5:34 p.m.

“Hold your breath and squeeze tight. Really, the fall isn’t half bad.”

Live, goddamn you! Live!

Why does it have to be so hard?

Wednesday, October 06, 2004 5:43 p.m.

“Sometimes I wish I did believe in God so that I could blame shit on his pansy ass.

Motherfucker.” – Saturday, October 09, 2004 8:56 p.m.

“ahahahahahaha. There’s an In-N-Out Club!!!!!!!!!!!

How goddamn thrilling.

From: Stephen Kyriacou
To: Jaena Rae Cabrera
Subject: if you’re cool….
Message: ….you will join the debauchery society

” We do whatever we want whenever we want, at all times. “

I guess I’m not cool then. Drat.


Tonight I bet you and I will get along. *wink*

Ugh. Dirty people. *shiver* Dishonest dirty people. *shiver even more* OH fuck. Get AWAY. Aaahhhh!!!

It would be sweet if I was a black mage and I could blast you off the face of the earth.

Hey. You know what… HADOKEN! You’re dead! Ahahahahaha.


*Batman theme song*

I’m mixing bullshit here. And it doesn’t smell too good.


Gotta love the X-Men. Gotta love Jean-Grey. Oughtta DESTROY Cyclops. Damn pansy ass.

Woo! Wolverine! Kick ass hairiness.

Morph was neat too. “Who am I? Who am I now?”

And Nightcrawler. *poof*

And Psylocke. *electric blade thing*

And GAMBIT. *super-charged deck of cards*

Yech, Jubilee. “Weeee! Fireworks!”

Is it a SIGN of improvement if you stop picturing yourself in gruesome situations and start imagining OTHER people in those situations?

Side note:




It’s payback!!!

[Eh, I know that’s a load of crap, but Jaena has big dreams. Very big dreams.]

Nathan leaves a voicemail message, as Jaena is in the shower and can’t come to the phone right now: “Yaaaaaayy! You know what I did today? I GOT MY LICENSE! Yaaaaaaaaayy! Okay, bye.”

*Dad chuckles in the background.

Jaena, minutes later: Fuckin’ awesome.

[Also, that means my baby brother is growing up too fast. =]


STAR WARS STAR WARS [Knights of the Old Republic] *light saber noise*

Ooohhhh, being evil just feels so damn good.

HALO 2 HALO 2 HALO 2 HALO 2 HALO 2 HALO 2 on my birthday =[


Aaahhh! Video game overload! Aahhh! Must play soon! Must blast brains out of evil undead thing! *dramatic music from Halo crescendoes as a team of Master Sergeants scour the alien landscape*


And who could forget DUKE NUKEM! Holy fuck was that a fun game. You could make him rub up against the wall, piss, and oggle the ladies. AND you could blast the BEJEEZUS out of people. The BEJEEZUS!

Dreams! All dreams!” – Tuesday, October 12, 2004 10:51 p.m.

“Ugh. I just had a horrible flashback of my last visit to the doctor.

Her mind is buzzing with its own intricacies. She is lost within its own corridors. Fleeing, flying, falling. Her mind-moors stretch as far as she can feel. And that is a mighty distance. Multi-faceted memories. It is so cold in here. When will the sun rise? She mewls in a plaintive cry. The sky is painted on. Kiss it. Eyes flashing every which way. All the colors. Or the lack thereof. Sinking, slowing, stumbling. Again and again. TU PARLI TROPPO! The words float. Too much time spent on pretty phrases. Empty words.

Whatever. Fuck you.” – Wednesday, October 13, 2004 10:23 a.m.

“So. For the past week I’ve been feeling rather low. At the moment, I am still the same way. I think it originated when I first thought I wouldn’t be seeing you until Christmas, but it hasn’t gone away even though I have since learned otherwise. People have been talking about transfering. It struck a chord. I started talking to one of the girls who is considering it. She said the only reason she came here was because she wanted to get away from her mom, but now she realizes that was a ridiculous reason. So of course, I have been thinking about my own situation. And I am still kicking myself for not really thinking over the decision. I guess I’m wrestling with whether this was the best thing for me. I like it here though. I like being in Boston. But I don’t like being away from you. It’s probably paranoia. We’re leading such separate lives now. I know it shouldn’t worry me. I’ve been having a lot of irrational thoughts. Well, perhaps they aren’t irrational, but they have no real foundation in reality. If anything happened to us, I’d blame the entire thing on myself for leaving in the first place.

Things here are okay. I would enjoy it so much more if you were with me. I haven’t been here for long.

Well, let’s see.

I don’t know. Useless babble you’ve heard before. I am not used to the idea of transfering as an actual possibility, but as it is being mentioned more and more…. There are so many reasons why I’m against it. And so far the only reason I would do it is so that I could be closer to you. But then I believe that is a valid enough reason in itself.

And then I tell myself to stop being such a baby and just continue with the rest of the year. Finish it, and then decide if I want to transfer. But then I wonder, will it be too late by then? How much is going to happen between now and then? Again, paranoia. I don’t think it’s sabotage this time. I think I’m afraid. I feel I have so much to lose now.

Another thing that has been bothering me is my little chat with my parents. I have no idea how that is going to go. I would think it a little awkward to force it. I mean, I don’t know how I am supposed to bring it up again. I could just do it… but that is such a long time from now. Immediately after talking to my mom, I wanted to tell her and my dad everything. As the days pass, I don’t think about it as much, and the desire to do it wanes.

I was really serious when I said I wanted to hear you every night before I go to bed. I understand why that’s virtually impossible. And I want to say that it is fine with me, but it really isn’t. Another thing to just deal with, eh?” – Thursday, October 14, 2004 6:16 p.m.

“eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!!! [except much more rapidly]

We’re going down, men! Aaaaauuuuuarrrrghhhhh!!!

Brace yourselves!

[I don’t know how to type out the sound of a fighter plane falling. Use your imagination.]


Those evil sons-of-bitches are laughing at us.


Eject! Eject!

Motherfucking bastards.

Holy FUCK!

You can’t do shit to those motherfucking bastards right now. Just shut the FUCK up and try to stay ALIVE, you useless son-of-a-bitch!



*more screaming*” – Friday, October 15, 2004 8:33 a.m.

“Teacherh6: Are you still here?
oOo pinch me: yesyes
oOo pinch me: hi mrs. frank
Teacherh6: Hi
Teacherh6: What’s going on?
oOo pinch me: i’m thinking about transferring back to cali.
oOo pinch me: hah
Teacherh6: Are you having problems?
oOo pinch me: i feel like there are a lot of things i should have done before leaving
Teacherh6: Please tell me
oOo pinch me: i talked to my mom a couple of weeks ago
Teacherh6: If you feel comfortable
Teacherh6: Ok
oOo pinch me: she and i were having a really silly arguement through email
Teacherh6: about?
oOo pinch me: about her “sacrifices” and how i don’t appreciate her
Teacherh6: since when?
oOo pinch me: and i wanted to call her but she wouldn’t pick up her phone
oOo pinch me: and i was feeling really crummy so i called my dad
oOo pinch me: and he said she had just called him about me
Teacherh6: Where did she go to college?
oOo pinch me: mm she didn’t
oOo pinch me: well
oOo pinch me: she started at lbcc
Teacherh6: I think that may be part of HER problem
oOo pinch me: but i don’t think she got through freshman year
Teacherh6: You know that I feel that your mother has done the best job she possibly can…Meaning that she didn’t consciously try to neglect you…and did all that was in her that she could do. Can you understand that?
oOo pinch me: i think i do.
oOo pinch me: i’ve been trying to figure it out
oOo pinch me: i talked to her
Teacherh6: You are the adult
oOo pinch me: i guess what i’ve been waiting for is an explanation, an apology of some sort
Teacherh6: And will always be the adult
Teacherh6: In your relationship with your mother
oOo pinch me: yeah
Teacherh6: It’s not fair…or unfair…it just is.
oOo pinch me: i’ve had a hard time accepting that
Teacherh6: For her not to pick up the phone is very childish
Teacherh6: It’s what I would MAYBE expect a kid to do. But not a MOM
oOo pinch me: yeah. well i don’t see her as a mother really
Teacherh6: Anybody’s Mom
oOo pinch me: i just want to understand her as a person
Teacherh6: Right.
Teacherh6: You may never understand her
Teacherh6: I hope that is ok…even if it is a lifelong quest
Teacherh6: filled with paradox and futility
oOo pinch me: yeah i’m pretty certain about that
oOo pinch me: haha
Teacherh6: I so want you to stay where you are
Teacherh6: BUT I do not want you to be miserable
oOo pinch me: i’ve been really miserable
oOo pinch me: and its not because of the school
oOo pinch me: i like it here. people are great.
oOo pinch me: etc.
Teacherh6: It’s because…?
oOo pinch me: it’s me. i should have thought about it more. i think i wanted to go to the east coast to get away
Teacherh6: Is your misery going to end when you get back here?
Teacherh6: Is it really?
oOo pinch me: i set these particular goals when i was a sophomore
Teacherh6: Or will it be replaced by another sort of misery
oOo pinch me: and i never thought about them again
Teacherh6: I understand that.
Teacherh6: Like another person made the plans for you and you are living those plans
oOo pinch me: they were there. i was done with them.
oOo pinch me: yeah
Teacherh6: Of course all of this is filtered through my experience OK
Teacherh6: Meaning sort of an “If I had it all to do over again…sort of scenario”
Teacherh6: Part of it is advice…and part is if I could do it all again.
Teacherh6: Do you get that? Meaning it won’t disappoint if it doesn’t really “fit” you.
oOo pinch me: mmm yeah
Teacherh6: I am not married to my ideas…they are just ideas and dreams that I have.
oOo pinch me: i didn’t want to consider transferring because it just seemed to go against everything i’ve drilled into myself these past few years
Teacherh6: You would never have to think…I disappointed Mrs. Frank…that sort of thing
oOo pinch me: haha
Teacherh6: Listen to this…and wear it for a minute ok?
oOo pinch me: ok
Teacherh6: Not necessary to buy the outfit…just try it on for size and see how it looks and feels.
oOo pinch me: yes ma’am
Teacherh6: Ok…
Teacherh6: You DECIDE to stay in Boston…sucking up all doubt and plugging your way through
Teacherh6: You enjoy the people and the place…even the crazy ass snow blizzards of Winter…if you can believe that.
Teacherh6: Inside you never feel like it has been “your” life. It’s like you lived a sort of dream..Going through college in a fog…albeit a successful fog.
Teacherh6: Your junior year you go to Europe. Basically study in London…but while you are there you get to visit othrer places you have only dreamed about. And the shocker is that these people seem to respect your ideas and opinions.
Teacherh6: You never really get over your sense of disconnect
Teacherh6: Being away from California and your friends.
Teacherh6: For grad school you decide to do either UCLA or Berekeley…just because (I prefer Berkeley but that’s just me)
Teacherh6: You finish the entire process and end up with a Masters and really think. “Somebody needs to pinch me because I don’t know HOW I got through all that.”
Teacherh6: Notice how it wasn’t a magical transformation?
Teacherh6: No magic wands, fairy dust, or ruby slippers…
Teacherh6: Here’s the second scenario
Teacherh6: After one semester at Boston, you come back to LA
Teacherh6: Even though you feel relief that you are no longer estranged from the life you left when you went there, there is an odd feeling of regret…Regret for not fulfilling that 10th grader’s dream…
Teacherh6: You go to (don’t know which U) and have lots of fun, make new friends, and you’re close to home. You continue your relationship with Oz and see friends from UCLA
Teacherh6: You get your degree and apply for your masters.
Teacherh6: Life is good…but why isn’t it GREAT?
Teacherh6: Ok Jaens, your turn….
oOo pinch me: hmm
oOo pinch me: i was thinking about the regret.
Teacherh6: Do you mind feeling it?
oOo pinch me: i have a lot of regret for coming here in the first place
oOo pinch me: i just wish i had thought things over more
oOo pinch me: i was so set on coming to the east coast
oOo pinch me: i didn’t think about it anymore
Teacherh6: So that picture doesn’t fit..meaning you will not feel regret about what you coulda, shoulda, woulda, mighta done if you had only stayed in Boston?
oOo pinch me: i probably will. very likely that i will.
oOo pinch me: but i really want to be with my family
oOo pinch me: i want to talk to my mom
oOo pinch me: and my dad too
Teacherh6: You realize some things about your relationship with them that you didn’t realize before you left?
oOo pinch me: yeah
Teacherh6: That took being away from them to realize?
oOo pinch me: well, i didn’t think i cared about them. and we never were close.
oOo pinch me: they don’t really know me
oOo pinch me: i’ve been sort of working on it during the summer
oOo pinch me: too late in the summer
oOo pinch me: i tried talking to my dad but it was so hard to get out
oOo pinch me: and now i really think i can do it
Teacherh6: Next question…a hard one…What if they never “get” it. What if it’s your deal and it’s not their deal?
oOo pinch me: that’s ok. i already know there are a lot of things they’re not going to understand
Teacherh6: That’s good enough.
oOo pinch me: now i just want them to know me on a different level.
Teacherh6: As long as you realize…like I finally did, that my parents were fixed in a way of thinking and I was the only one who had any hope of changing.
Teacherh6: Do you think they will have to do that whether you stay in Boston or come home?
Teacherh6: After all, you are almost (November) and adult now and they will have to perceive you differently.
Teacherh6: an*
Teacherh6: What difference does your relationship with your family make whether you are far or near?
oOo pinch me: i don’t think staying here will help it. and i doubt they’d see me as an adult even after then
oOo pinch me: er, my bday
Teacherh6: Meaning you will turn 18 and be “official.”
oOo pinch me: yeah
oOo pinch me: i don’t think that will mean anything to them
Teacherh6: I’m really asking about you, not them
oOo pinch me: i’ve grown up far more than they realize
oOo pinch me: hmm?
oOo pinch me: i’ve always been kind of “far” from them
Teacherh6: I want you to think about whether they will really change or if your relationship with them will really change if you go home.
oOo pinch me: and i decided to go so far to get away from them
Teacherh6: Is it ok to love them from afar.
oOo pinch me: i definitely believe our relationship will change
Teacherh6: Ok
oOo pinch me: i don’t think so. i’ve needed them so much.
Teacherh6: Now one last thing (for now) hehe
oOo pinch me:
Teacherh6: Weigh the regret you feel now against the regret you will feel later if you come home
Teacherh6: Everything happens for a reason, Jaena there are no coincidences or accidents.
oOo pinch me: i’ve been thinking about that a lot. the disappointment i’d feel in myself.
oOo pinch me: i’ve been thinking about a lot since coming here
oOo pinch me: i think the time i’ve spent here has been very beneficial to me already, just by removing me from everything and allowing me to see it from so far away
Teacherh6: It’s built into your personality to have a sort of vague sense of regret somehow…do you know what I mean?
oOo pinch me: i think so
oOo pinch me: my personality specifically?
oOo pinch me: haha
Teacherh6: Yes YOU Jaena Cabrera
oOo pinch me: okay
oOo pinch me: yeah
oOo pinch me: i don’t let things go easily. and i tend to dwell on them for a long time.
Teacherh6: Kind of that darkish brooding side of your personality
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: yes… brooding
oOo pinch me: haha
Teacherh6: With an occasional burst of overwhelming, eurphoric, sense of happiness
Teacherh6: …that never seems to stay long enough
oOo pinch me: mmm yes
Teacherh6: At least I have a sense of you. hahaha
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: you know, the happiest i’ve been has been with ozzie
Teacherh6: And you also know that he will be blamed for all of this
oOo pinch me: he’s helped me through a lot of stuff with my family
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: for me going home?
Teacherh6: Yes
oOo pinch me: or for me having these thoughts at all
oOo pinch me: ah
oOo pinch me: yeah
Teacherh6: Which is a lot of pressure for him to endure over an entire lifetime together
oOo pinch me: i don’t think i’ll blame him.
oOo pinch me: i rarely blame other people
Teacherh6: Not you…everybody else.
oOo pinch me: OH
oOo pinch me: yes
oOo pinch me: okay
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: very true
oOo pinch me: when we first got together, everybody thought he would influence me negatively
Teacherh6: And whenever ANYTHING goes wrong…it will come back to that
Teacherh6: Jaena threw her life away for Ozzie
oOo pinch me: haha. i’ve thought about that too.
Teacherh6: and if you don’t happen to spend the rest of your natural lives together it will be even worse…
Teacherh6: She did all that…and now look what happened…what does she have?
oOo pinch me: they’re just going to have to believe me. that i was doing it for myself really.
oOo pinch me: i still want to study abroad. i still want to do so many things.
oOo pinch me: but i want to take care of certain ones first
Teacherh6: No. You are just going to have to know it inside yourself despite what anyone thinks or is rude enough to say to your face…especially during an arguement.
oOo pinch me: hum
oOo pinch me: yeah
oOo pinch me: hah
oOo pinch me: oh boy, it will get intense!
Teacherh6: Bet on it!
Teacherh6: In the final analysis, it’s your life Jaena…and you one have one chance to live it…as far as we KNOW anyway.
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: yes
Teacherh6: In my opinion, as you know, you and I have been this way before…I feel that I have known you quite well over at least several lifetimes. But that’s just me.
oOo pinch me: mmhmm
Teacherh6: I am willing to ask for your advice and take advice you give me..as well as give you advice.
oOo pinch me: i’ve just been so miserable. thinking about everything, worrying about it all.
Teacherh6: Tell me about the word “worry”
oOo pinch me: i’m really tense all the time
oOo pinch me: i can’t relax. i can’t even sleep well.
Teacherh6: Ever?
oOo pinch me: for the most part
Teacherh6: Then your body is telling you the answer.
oOo pinch me: and i keep having horrible dreams
oOo pinch me: so i don’t really want to sleep sometimes
Teacherh6: If you don’t listen to that…you are bound to develop some catastrophic illness that will bring you home and you will suffer
oOo pinch me: bring me home anyway, or?
Teacherh6: Your body doesn’t want to be there…mind/body/sprit
Teacherh6: My guess is it’s your mind that is unhappy, but it’s manifest in your body
Teacherh6: Your body is telling you something.
Teacherh6: I can’t settle down here…live here…relax here…be here.
oOo pinch me: i’m meeting people, going out, experiencing new things. but i never really enjoy it
Teacherh6: IF you ignore your body…it will turn on you. And it’s possible that you will develop a serious illness…like pneumonia or worse.
Teacherh6: That will force you to go home for health reasons.
Teacherh6: Very convenient in one sense because EVERYBODY understands and accepts that.
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: yeah..
Teacherh6: Are your parents willing to let you leave Boston and return to LA?
oOo pinch me: my mom certainly is. my dad might be a bit angry because of everything he’s had to do in order for me to attend BU
oOo pinch me: but i’m going to talk to him tomorrow about it
oOo pinch me: wel, later today
Teacherh6: He’ll get over it.
oOo pinch me: well*
Teacherh6: Especially when you get enrolled elsewhere
Teacherh6: Where do you want to go to college?
oOo pinch me: i was thinking usc
Teacherh6: Wow.
Teacherh6: Because I’m happy you chose my school.
oOo pinch me: usc and berkeley were the only schools i was interested in before
oOo pinch me: haha
Teacherh6: You didn’t apply though
Teacherh6: right?
oOo pinch me: nope. i was incredibly lazy and loathe to apply because most of my family wanted me to go there
oOo pinch me: either there or ucla
Teacherh6: Way different in terms of atmosphere
oOo pinch me: yeah. i didn’t want to go to ucla.
oOo pinch me: never wanted to, really
Teacherh6: Do you have any idea whether you can transfer to USC from BU?
oOo pinch me: no clue
oOo pinch me: i was going to talk to somebody on monday
Teacherh6: USC with a declared major?
oOo pinch me: i still need to find out about all that
Teacherh6: Because if you just get accepted into the General program it’s incredibly difficult to be accepted to a school…although I would make an exception for you because you are exceptional.
oOo pinch me:
oOo pinch me: i’m not even sure about my major anymore
oOo pinch me: haha
Teacherh6: hmmm
Teacherh6: That’s the only catch but it’s fairly significant
Teacherh6: I know two people who never got into the school they desired.
Teacherh6: Being in a particular school affords you the opportunities to make contacts within your specific field.
oOo pinch me: mm yeah
oOo pinch me: i was thinking i’d definitely like to stay in communications
Teacherh6: That’s really the only issue I can think of
Teacherh6: The cost is probably similar to BU
oOo pinch me: hmm yeah
Teacherh6: Has my input helped at all?
oOo pinch me: one thing i’ve learned from the COM school here is that i’m really into current events
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: you’ve helped A LOT
Teacherh6: How Jaena?
Teacherh6: International Relations seems like a cool double major
oOo pinch me: giving me things to mull over. bringing my attention to other things
oOo pinch me: yeah
oOo pinch me: i was thinking about doing that
Teacherh6: They have a great school for that…or program
Teacherh6: And you have the mind for it.”
Sunday, October 17, 2004 12:23 a.m.

“I have an idea for a story…. Well, another idea. It will take a lot of work. But I have an idea for a story!

It’s a bit depressing. Hopefully enlightening.

It will take eons to develop….

I am up for the task. It’s a story for you, a story for me. For everyone, really.

I just hope it won’t be as painful to write as I know it will be.

I am writer. But I am afraid to really write.

“I’m telling you these things because I trust you. That will never change. I’ve always trusted you.

I had a dream about you. We were roaming the world together, just you and I.

Am I as beguiling as I seem?

What if I put this bowler on for you? Would that change your mind?

I ought to tell you I love you.”

I swear to you I’ll finish it before I die.” – Monday, October 18, 2004 11:15 a.m.

“Saw it again tonight. And it had the same effect. The same wondrous feelings surged through me. A depth of understanding I have never experienced before in any other musical. I thought I would be more able to focus on other aspects of the musical, but I was just as caught up in it as last night.

I’ll try to share it with you someday.

Salem Trip. ‘Twas fine. Made a new friend. Lives in a brownstone. Fuckin’ sweet. Walked on old historic graves. Dracula’s Castle. PAs scared shitless. “Scary” pictures. Awesome macadamia turtles. Honking. Fuckin’ disgusting. Free hot chocolate. Fuckin’ sweet. Wanted horns. Fried dough. Bought other junk. Fuckin’ cold. Gloomy weather. Toasty in layers. 5pm. Over Ash. Dominoes. Cheesy bread. Coca-Cola. Monty Python and the Holy Grail. “Ni, ni, ni.” “Run away, run away!” Watched Comm Ave, Fenway during the game. Watched the people streaming by. Prue Center. Go Sox. Citgo. Four jets. Kelly Clarkson. First two innings. Police officer. “Hi, how are you doing?” GSU Auditorium. The Last 5 Years. Compared casts. Thrilled to motherfuckin’ core. She said I was insane. Fine. Warren Towers. Called Danny, Ryan, Jared, Jeffrey. Not really. Penny Arcade. Hilarious. Internet cartoons. Lovely. Alexander, Aristotle. Commas. The Last 5 Years soundtrack. Sleep. Goodnight.

Will you share your life with me for the next ten minutes?

There are so many dreams I need to see with you.

Today I kept thinking about our first couple of walks together.

And when we were holding hands at Mari’s party.” – Saturday, October 23, 2004 9:31 p.m.

“Okay, this is typical. But what the hell. That’s how I was at heart.

I was such a romantic little girl. I did want to be a princess. I did want a knight in shining armor atop a white stallion. I wanted to ride off with him somewhere far. Damn those fairytales. Damn those books I used to read.


Ah, well. I enjoyed it at the time. But now I’ve graduated to other things… that aren’t any better. Hah.

So it goes, right? And I proceed on, yes? Yes, AcaDeca? We proceed on, my dear, dear teammates.

I’ll be there soon, dearest. I swear I will. I swear, I swear, I swear.

When you come home to me, I’ll wear a sweeter smile
And hope that for a while you’ll stay


Clippity clop. Clippity clop.

Oh, God, I can hear you crying.

I want to rescue you, I really do.

Just not the way you want me to.

When you come home to me….

Look at that sunset.

Jesus Christ. I suck, I suck, I suck.


If I could do what I wanted…. Oh, fuckin’ shit. The world would get tired of me.

And I’m going to do what I want. So watch out.

So it goes.

You can’t stop me.

Neither can you.

And neither can I.

So it goes. So it goes.

No one can give you courage.


Why aren’t you groveling at my feet?




Oh, fuckin’ shit. Where the fuck is your other hand?

God, no!

Good Lord!

I’m done. Just… ah, fuck it. Goodnight. You cretin. My God. Ugh.” – Sunday, October 24, 2004 6:52 p.m.

“My head hurts again. I want it to stop.

I often feel hopeless.

Blood everywhere. Hands dripping with it, hair soaked. And it won’t stop coming. This can’t be how I wanted it to end.

But I’m always running, usually in circles. Sometimes I’m in a maze, and the panic takes hold as I keep colliding with dead ends. Pounding against the tall, tall walls. And then I start to think there isn’t really an exit. I’m trapped forever. I won’t ever see you again. And then my panic erupts in a litany of entreaties. Please, this can’t be happening. None of this is real. I’m dreaming. I’m dreaming. And then I’m screaming and my voice gives up on me. I start to run again, randomly taking lefts and rights. There has to be a way. If this is a dream, I can take control. I imagine that somewhere there is a gate. I start thinking about seeing you again once this is all over. My courage comes back and my heart slows with these visions. I begin to make calculated turns. I picture the maze in my head. Have I been here already? And suddenly there is a gate ahead of me. Black iron, immense. Bars thicker than my wrists. The relief washes over me as I touch it in awe. But there is no way to open it. No way to climb over it. And beyond the gate the world doesn’t seem as inviting as I imagined. It’s gloomy and I can barely see anything past six feet. Suddenly the looming maze behind me appears more safe and inviting. At the very least I am already familiar with it. Out there more danger and sorrow lurks. I slowly back away, still looking for a way to bypass the gate, but in my heart reluctant to make a closer inspection. A shudder quakes my entire being. I’m torn. Indecision. Security or uncertainty? And then again, I’m not even sure I can escape. Abruptly, I freeze. I’m no longer alone. No one is behind me, but I’m certain someone stands before me, beyond the gate, bathed in the shadows that frighten me so. I don’t know. I don’t know. I feel so tired. I just want to lie down and sleep. I find myself slowly sinking to the floor. Nothing matters now. Just sleep. But there is a part of me still acutely aware of the presence beyond the gate. My gaze is locked on where I think the entity is. The moment my knees drop, a voice says my name, whispers to me in a voice I’ve heard in my heart and in my mind so many times before. And its well-known lilt shatters whatever resolve I retained and I begin to cry. I pull my knees up to my chin and rock to and fro as the voice softly sings a song I love dearly. It says, “Come out, my darling one. You know you can. I’ll be waiting.” I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t put a name to that voice. Is it you? Is it you? Sing to me again. And the voice starts over. All the while I’m trying to make sense out of this. I sink deeper and deeper into myself, shutting everything else out. “You know what shattered dreams feel like.” The voice cuts into me and I open my eyes and rush to the gate. My hands lock around the bars and rattle it with all the strength in me. I can FEEL the voice smiling. And then I take a step back and lightly push it. And it opens. It opens wide. And the figure of the voice is faintly visible in the gloom. “Follow me, dear one.” Before crossing the threshold, I turn my head to look back into the maze. And it appears as cold and unrelenting as the rest of the world does. No more control. Just listen to the voice. It will take care of you. The voice is moving up ahead. I need to follow. Where are you? The voice’s steps grow livelier. You said you’d always be there. The voice is running now, smoothly. I can hardly remember what we’ve passed. I don’t feel like I’m following, so much as I am being tugged along. A scream explodes within my skull and our flight halts. I feel myself falling and my hands reach out for something to take hold of. And suddenly everything spins and I’m still standing, but alone. The voice is gone. And I don’t know where to go. I don’t know. I don’t know.” 8:06 p.m.

“Oh, yes. So the Red Sox won the World Series. Reverse the curse, baby?

Anyway. Caroline and I decided to go outside to take part in the revelry, and to videotape the fuckheads running to Kenmore. I got a bit carried away and provided commentary the entire time she was filming, which consisted of me describing what was going on, or imitating the revelers. There were GUYS outside. Asshole jerk fuckheads. The ones that never seem to go outside for class. During the day, the metrosexuals and the homosexuals roam freely, but it’s at night that the crass and vulgar individuals venture out. Unless everyone is like that and the Red Sox victory just brought out that inner jackass. If that is reality, then fuck, I don’t know what. People were streaking. Yes. We did not want to get too closs to Kenmore. If there were 80,000 people there when they won the ALC…. No fucking way am I going to be in Kenmore Square tonight. On our short stroll, Caroline was bitten on the shoulder by a guy who wanted to get on film. Some guy gave me a high-five and another one grabbed my arm. And that’s about it. I was lucky, I suppose. Of course, we didn’t want to stay out for long, so we headed on back. Everyone was saying, “You’re going the wrong way! The PAHTY’s this way!”

Jaena: Right. Goodnight.

Asshole jerk: Let’s go, Red Sox! *clap clap clapclap clap* (Except he was slurring his words. I can do a rather accurate imitation if so compelled.)

Caroline: Ugh! Get away.

Asshole jerk #2: asjf;agajfjaslfjasfj!!! Wooooooo!!!” 10:02 p.m. – Wednesday, October 27, 2004

“Ah, we meet again, Mr. Man. I have many stories, really. Some remarkable, some inane, but I’m sure you’ll find them amusing. I certainly did.

So. There was this enormous pigeon strutting around outside of Kinko’s in Kenmore Square earlier. And I was amazed by it, as I am rather easily amused. It looked so squishy. So I started following it. And it started strutting away. Caroline was busy figuring out where the Kinko’s was in Copley Square. She joined me in rounding up the pigeon. And the people passing by started chuckling. I made people chuckle. Yes, I did. Quite abruptly, the pigeon deflated. It had only puffed out its feathers because it was cold. How deceiving.

The moral of the story: Appearances are deceiving.

Truth of the day: Chuckles brighten anyone’s day.

Sidenote related to the World Series: I shot off an email to Leibner as soon as I knew the Red Sox had won. He had sent me one when they had won the ALC. He called himself “Leibs Martinez.” Drat. I miss him. He said if he’d had my number he would have called me to hear the reaction.

Parade planned for Friday. The day of my midterm. I certainly hope that is cancelled. If so…. I might just have to become a Red Sox fan. Ahahahaha. Right. I’m not serious in the slightest. I’m damn glad to be here when it happened though. Amazing. Hat’s off to all the people risking their lives out tonight. What with the many helicopters, police buses, horses, pepper bullets, etc.

Also… I’m doing a “special report” on the parade. Co-anchor will be Kim Moy, if I can convince her to.

Beautiful.” – Wednesday, October 27, 2004 10:20 p.m.

“”Jesus is on my bum. I’m so cool.” – Caroline Perry

“A-moo-zing,” said Jaena, after four straight hours of European history cramming.” – Thursday, October 28, 2004 7:18 p.m.


Yesterday was amusing. Friday, I’m in love. I took a nap because I didn’t have my writing seminar. That was terrible. My headaches get worse whenever I try to nap. Anyway, I dragged Caroline out of bed to go to Shaws for some applesauce. Mmm… applesauce. Ambrosia for Jaena. As we were heading back to Warren on the T, I offered to carry a box of cream soda for Miss Perry so she would not have to fumble much for her T-pass. Unfortunately the driver started sooner than I expected, and I lost my balance. As my hands were occupied, I could not grab on to anything. Luckily- or unluckily- a guy literally caught me and offered me his seat. He sat down with his friends opposite me and they all started talking to me. Asking me if they matched. One guy told me how much care he took in getting dressed. I was like… yes. In my head I kept thinking, “Goddamnit, someone hide me.” After dropping off the groceries, I kind of ran to the HoJo because I was a bit late for dinner.

I was invited last minute to Bertucci’s. Met up with Val and Ash. Headed on over to Bertucci’s and met Ash’s friend, Kendra. Plenty of fun. Drank way too much soda. Yummy bread. Ravioli. Sweet. Planned to catch a movie later on at around 10pm. We went to Kendra’s place because Ash and I had never been inside a brownstone. Very nice. Gigantic room for three people. Hardwood floors. Walk-in closets. Own BATHROOM. Almost twice as large as the room I share with four other females here in Warren. Every person’s place I’ve visited is at least a hundred times nicer than my situation in Warren. However, everyone says, “That’s where everything’s happening! You get to meet so many people.” While this is true, and it IS pleasant to walk around in the building and see somebody I know… I’d still prefer to have my own goddamn bathroom. We were just killing time in Kendra’s room. I can’t quite say how the conversation turned to Star Wars, but I’m sure it was my fault. Turns out Kendra’s into science fiction too, and she asked me if I’d ever seen Sliders. I’ve heard of it, but since I never really watched TV when I was younger, I’d never seen it. Her boyfriend is a scifi freak and downloaded some episodes. We ended up watching half of the first episode. Oh, and Ash’s eleven year old brother loves Star Wars too! AND he likes Strongbad. I suppose I should find it alarming that I have so much in common with an eleven year old boy, but whatever. Ash called him just so that he could talk to me, and we started talking about Knights and Knights 2. Turns out Knights 2 is coming out in FEBRUARY. Nooo!!! He asked me about a particular level in Knights but I couldn’t recall anything at the time.


HALO 2 is coming out soon. Fuckin’ awesome. Aaahhh! Master Chief! How I’ve missed you!

Anyway, moving on. The movie was sold out so we trekked to the theater for nothing really. Parted ways. Called Danny on the way back to Warren. Chat, chat, chat. I decided to sit in the lounge and talk on the phone instead of going to my room. Jullian was doing his laundry so he kept passing by and I guess I was there for longer than he expected because he started making funny faces at me every time he walked by. Nice guy, him. Waited until nobody was around to take the elevator up. I prefer an empty elevator. Yes. I said “hello” to my laptop and asked if he wanted to play Sonic with me. Of course, he agreed, so Sonic, Tails and I zipped all over the place. Zip! Zip! Zip!

MY SWEETIE! <—- See. He's my sweetie. And I love him dearly. I can't wait to see him again. You see, I have plans of my own. Mwa ha ha ha. But we shall see.

Stayed on the phone for a long while. Finally got off when I was sleepy and uncomfortable. UNCOMFORTABLE. But, oh, in a good way. A very nice way.

And then….six hours of rest.

Woke up at 8am. What a bitch that is. Played another game for a little while and then got ready to grab a bagel and some coffee before zipping to the HoJo to meet Ash, Kim, and Jade. SCIENCE MUSEUM!


I saw a dinosaur! A dinosaur! A dinosaur’s ANUS! I pointed at it and hugged its leg. I took plenty of pictures. I was excited. There were so many children there. Zipped around the museum. Exhibits were great. All interactive. THEY HAD R2D2 THERE! AND A STAR WARS NABOO STARFIGHTER!

Good God. I was hyperventilating. And zipping all over the place. I learned about MR fluid. And ferrofluid. And I watched a chick hatch. And I saw a blown up cross section of a testicle! And a video of a live birth…. Oh My Fucking God. It will never get old. I’m glad when I go through that I won’t be able to see anything. I do not want it videotaped. Good God, no.

What else was there…. they had this exhibit that showed how certain drugs affect the human body. There was a guy our age hanging around there for some reason. After he listened to me talking to Ash and Kim, we all noticed that he started following us. Crap. So disgusting. I told them I was hungry so we went to the Galaxy Cafe. He was there too. And he kept staring. Not even being subtle. By the time we finished eating, he was gone, but when we went back to wander the exhibits he was there again. We ignored it. But the rest of the girls kept updating me on whether he was nearby. Blargh. Boys are icky. Just… get away and die. I hope he gets sucked up by a gigantic butterfly’s proboscis.

I kept breaking out into song, albeit out of tune. A load of Disney songs have been in my head lately. Just around the riverbend, I look once more! Hakuna matata, what a wonderful phrase! When you wish upon a star…. Dark side of the mooooon! Part of that world. Tell me, Princess, since when did you last let your heart decide? Can you feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel the loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove tonight?


Other songs too. I am sixteen, going on seventeen….

And then, Christmas carols. I’ll be hooooome for Christmas. You can count on me. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock. Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Etcetera.

I promise that I’ll run away with you.

Watched the FORCES OF NATURE in the Mugar Omni Theatre. Gah. The screen was all around us. I actually became a tad nervous during the volcano part. I had wanted to see LIONS OF THE KALAHARI, but I was the only animal advocate.

Just like a dream.

In one of the interactive exhibits, this little boy and I were having a conversation about dinosaurs. He kept asking me what this one was, and where all the other ones were. So adorable. I can’t wait to have kids. And I sat in a space capsule with an adorable little girl.

The gift shop was a bit of a disappointment. I was tempted to buy a T-shirt of a T-rex skeleton. Or this other one with Einstein, but decided against it.

After the museum, we went over to the Prue because Ash needed to return something. We then travelled to Downtown Crossing. I got a Snoopy mirror. I needed a new mirror. And it has Snoopy on it. It’s win-win.

Turns out they are planning to take me out to dinner on Tuesday.

Possible movie on Monday night.

I don’t normally describe my day, but I just had so much fun. You’ll see pictures. Don’t worry.

And who the hell sent me this TROGDOR THE BURNINATOR WITH LINES OF MAJESTY shirt? Thank you, but you have to tell me who you are.

I will always love you.

If you can’t tell who I’m listening to at this point…. You are such a cripple.” – Saturday, November 06, 2004 8:39 p.m.

“I used to dream about oceans. Vast oceans. And nothing else. Water as far as the eye could see. And you were always there…. Sometimes you would ignore me. Other times I was your world. God, was I happy then. It didn’t matter that we were in the middle of the ocean. That everyday you’d be the only person to greet me in the morning and the last person I’d see every night.

My days start off like this. Sadly, they end like this as well. Since I want to be truthful, I should also add that an entire day of mine goes on and on like this. I am a naive person… I am a doomed person. A year or so ago I regained much of my youthful optimism after what felt like eons of believing it dead and buried. Now it seems as much a part of me as He is. It will be my destruction, my willful destruction.

Oceans and mountains. Beyond oceans, beyond universes.

Why do I anguish over things?

There is beauty in suffering, in pain, in sorrow.

Such exquisiteness can be found in a tear, in a sigh.

The days flash past in such a flurry of noise and bustle, imagined and real. Our heroine dreams her life away, in the car, with her friends, in the shower, before she goes to bed, and most especially with her Love. What is real for her and what is imagined, there is no longer any obvious distinction. She derives pleasure completely from her ability to feel. And imagined things can make one feel, as do the solid things. If she is feeling sad, she revels in it. Everything is sad. If she is feeling marvelous, everything is marvelous precisely because she feels so. She sinks herself utterly into how she is feeling, groping at the edges of the emotion in order to completely grasp it. There is such immensity to be found within them. So much novelty in every instance of a feeling. The nuances are familiar, but it is never quite the same. If you have ever tried prolonging a moment because of how it feels, you possess an inkling of understanding.

Emotions are what intrigue her. Her own, yours, mine. She can immerse herself into what she thinks you are feeling. And she will float around in your malaise for as long as you do. She will cry because you cry.

[Don’t mind me. I am toying with things far beyond my abilities. I want to write something someday. Precisely what, I won’t know until I know.]” – Wednesday, January 05, 2005 10:06 p.m.

“Query: [There are far too many.]

It is difficult to sit and start from one place when everything is whirling around in your mind. And everything is connected of course, so if you start at one place, you will have to backtrack and explain something else.

Can’t say where I am going with that. I suppose I mean to say I can’t write and sometimes that worries me. More often I find it irksome, though.

I have a song in my head. I haven’t heard it in eons. Noel sent it to me when I was in Boston.

Do you know what it’s like to be swept up in a whirlwind of autumn leaves?

Oh, an interjection. I found the lyrics to Noel’s song.

On a side note: [Essentially an interjection within an interjection.]

I’m feeling terribly reflective at the moment. I’ll attribute it to having nothing to do. Activities completed thus far: printing request forms, washing dishes.

Guy: Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you’re deserting for better company?
I can’t accept that it’s over…
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And I swear I’ll do my best to comply

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

Girl: I feel I must interject here
You’re getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I’ve made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I’ve prepared a lecture on why I have to leave

So please back away and let me go

Guy: I can’t my darling I love you so…

Guy: Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

Girl: Don’t you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won’t heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

Guy: I admit that I have made mistakes and I swear
I’ll never wrong you again

Girl: You’ve got a lure I can’t deny,
But you’ve had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

Alright then. Moving on. This is godawful. This trudging through the muck of syntax and grammar and vocabulary. My mind feels so slow. It’s no longer clockwork, my dear. I’ve forgotten what I knew best.

Like the Phoenix. Be like the Phoenix. Hah. Perish in the fire only to arise anew! Sounds absolutely marvelous. I should make it my internal mantra.

Oh, oh, oh! <– Does that sound familiar?

I should wrestle the title of “God” from my Love and then bludgeon and maim and murder those whom I feel deserve it.

Oh, how I love you. You, you, you. Only you.

STAR WARS. I just remembered a dream I had last night, in addition to my poor goldfish. Poor, mutilated goldfish. I ended up flushing it.

Star Wars. There was a bantha. A very digusting bantha, with a terrifying smell. And it was the only form of transportation available where I was on Dantooine. So I opted to walk. Because the odor was so terrible. And then the Sand People found me. Those nonsensical bastards and their strange language. Of course, I’m an elite Jedi master with a double-bladed silver lightsaber, wearing Sith robes, though. You know what that means. So their gaffi sticks become my property. And I can sell them for an extravagant amount of money.

Suddenly I’m on Dxun with the Mandalorians. Mandalore wants to duel me. According to their rules I cannot use my Force powers or my lightsaber. All I have available to me are melee weapons like short swords and Gamorrean cleavers. And as we charge towards each other, I wake up. Because my fiance just came home from a night of gambling.

I guess I didn’t remember the dream initially because when you came home I was very drowsy and immediately fell into slumber again when you got into bed. Goddamn. That dream was sweet. I was so going to kick that metal man’s ass. If I remember I will try to continue that dream later.” – Saturday, February 05, 2005 10:48 a.m.

“I will become the world’s most renowned novelist. My words will make the masses feel things. My words will open your eyes, your heart, and mind to more than you thought possible. I will use the exorbitant vocabulary I have acquired over my short existence to awaken you, to quicken your breath, to make you anguish over things far, far beyond your control. I will be the world’s most adored intellect. My avid followers will prostrate themselves before me as I sashay past. And I do mean sashay. I have a rump that you wouldn’t believe. If only I knew how to use it. If only I could do justice to it. But oh, I am only a dreamer. Half of what I tell you, how can you be sure it is at all true? And how can I be so certain of my wondrous abilities?

Oh, oh, oh! If you could only hear the turns of phrases my heart speaks! If only, if only. For my heart speaks more truly than I ever shall. For it aches more purely than any other.

I am the most dreadful satirist, the most lofty romanticist, the most painful realist, the most exuberant idealist, the most copious individual you will ever cross paths with. I am a philosophical succubus, endeavoring to infect every mind. Like Socrates, like Da Vinci, like the Morningstar Himself.

Alas, I must restrain myself yet again. I blaspheme. I rant. I froth.

Aha! You laugh. Your expression turns sour as you try to contemplate my claims. It twists into itself. Most becoming. The tip of your nose is now directly aligned with your right eye. Magnificent.

Hum with me. Chopin’s Nocturne in E Flat. Beautiful, floating, ghostly music.

Excuse me. Really. I am merely talking out of my ass again. You wouldn’t believe the shit that comes out of there. Oh, wait. There it goes. It’s forming arms and legs, leaving skidmarks as it dances around in wavering circles.

You smell like peaaaaaa soouuuuup. To quote a master.

Bizarre recollection. A past conversation regarding Heaven and Hell. Who is “cooler,” the Almighty or the Morningstar? The latter has a deliciously dark allure. He Who Must Not Be Revered. The rebel. The Fallen. Once Amadeo. Tender, beautiful Amadeo.

And now, a taste. Pluck a moonlit sky from your rampaged mind. A few fluffy clouds, stragglers, remain in the rapidly darkening heavens. Stars slowly twinkle in the growing gloom. Nightfall in Paradise was never so sweet or intoxicating as this particular night on Earth.

And a last request. Remember: A kiss, that is the world.

You seem awfully joyful this night, she says.
Oh? What gives it away so easily? he asks.
That smile, and the way it trembles so when you try to suppress it, she replies.

The odd pair sits some distance apart on the gazebo bench. His guarded eyes are directed towards the sky; hers, on the grain of the wood beneath her feet.

And how are you feeling tonight? he ventures.
The same. Day in and day out, she says. At least you seem to be in a good mood for a change.
It’s difficult to be melancholy, he says.
This coming from you frightens me, she says.
Take it as it is, he says. You’re making me feel as if this is wrong.
Well, well! Now you sound like yourself, she exclaims.
You’re patronizing me, he murmurs.
Not in the least, she sighs.

Fireflies. A swarm suddenly engulfs them and she laughs in delighted surprise. He merely sits back and waits for them to pass. She jumps up to twirl with them, as if she could dance just as gracefully. He watches her. Something tugs at his heart. Something wants him to listen. But he just watches her. It has been a long while since they’d last spoken. He doesn’t know how to talk to her anymore. He is broken out of his reverie by the utterance of his own name. She has spun farther away and she wants him to follow.

Golden. I amuse myself. I continually think I could be fairly well off if I wrote sappy romance novels for a living. Sometimes I consider it a career to actually fall back on.

I’m bored. I am devoid of zeal. And with that, I bid you adieu.” – Friday, February 18, 2005 10:56 p.m.

“Off I go to sleepy bye on my cold, unfeeling bed
To wake to a morning once again filled with incomparable dread
Oh, wouldst that thou should wake beside me
And whisper all is well
But alas, alas, it cannot be
I have run thee ragged through and through
The tears and fears that bind me
Bind me still
But now, now, the guantlet is mine, mine alone
And so I lay alone and frigid
Upon the deathbed of my own toil
Fare thee well, fare thee well
The morning is ours everafter
Ay, forevermore”
Wednesday, February 23, 2005 2:35 a.m.

“Fuck, man. I want a plant. I think I would enjoy one, I really think I would. You know, to spruce up this drab place, to take care of, to clean the air. A pet that won’t bite me, essentially. And, instead of calling it Mochi, like my dear cousin Jonas, I’d call it Moshi.

OH, yes, yes.


Say whaaaaaaaaa?

I will forever LOATHE that. It’s forever gay. COM is great, but they’re soooooo gay.

I wish Adult Swim was on all goddamn day.

KOCE is teaching me how to do a cursive F. Awesome.

OH, look, Dawson’s Creek. Blargh.

No fuckin’ way. There’s fuckin’ sunshine out there. SUNSHINE. You don’t know what that does to me. OH.

Mmm. Time to get busy. I shall return shortly.

And lo, and behold!
The Phoenix!
She rises!
The Morningstar reborn
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
But no, not for long
For hers is a destiny beyond the stars
Beyond the here and now
Beyond you and I
“To the stars, my dears!”
She shrilly cries
Oh, to the stars!” – Wednesday, February 23, 2005 10:40 a.m.

“Okay, I’ve made some plans. And I am really very nervous. I told Rowan that I was going to make a big decision within the week. I might extend that to a week and a half. Spring Break is coming up for most people. Thank God. The heavens have finally shone down upon my sorry ass.

My uncle told me you’re lucky if you have two or three friends you can call or visit at any time of day or night if you’re really feeling down. He said you are downright blessed if you have a full handful of friends like that. Friends who will drive miles to see you, to check if you’re doing alright. Friends who will do anything to try to make you smile. I know I have heard that elsewhere before, but whatever. It’s very true. And he extended that sort of friendship to me. And dear God, was I thankful. I wanted to cry right there because he was so goddamn nice. Honestly, how many people do you know will actually say that? Say that personally, no less.

Oh, I don’t know. I’m very confused about a lot of things right now, and my first instinct is to run and hide. Or to reach for those pills. Or that gun Daddy lied about.

Starting this week I will be bombarding myself with people. Literally. I already have most of it planned out. Something happened to me earlier. In my head. Something snapped. I started screaming a litany of things into the empty air, things people need to hear and that I need to let out. Something broke through, but I still have to take baby steps. But I loathe that breaking point. It is as if there is no more restraint in me and I simply can’t keep things in anymore. But those are so important to remember. What I say, who I seem to be screaming at. And afterwards was almost worse. I felt so drained and empty. And I sat there, my head throbbing. I told myself what was necessary. I told myself of my plans. I sat there until the neighbors left for work or school. I felt so empty. I was an automaton. I drove to my grandma’s house and let them take care of me. They fed me and stuff, the way they used to when I was sick as a little girl. I just told them I was feeling ill. It’s the miracle of grandparents. And then Momma called and I made myself go out with her. My brother came along as well. And I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed it in a way I haven’t in such a goddamn long time.

As of right now, I am sorely relieved. My stomach is in knots and my joints are fucking sore, but I’ve accomplished a few things this night that make me feel more hopeful. I had help, of course. Which is why I went on and on about the “handful of friends” story. So I think I can rest tonight. I’m sitting in a hotel room with my Momma asleep. I’m amazed my maniacal typing hasn’t disturbed her slumber, but perhaps it’s not as loud as it seems.

Perhaps soon I can now become myself, the person you seem to know the best.” – Tuesday, March 15, 2005 1:50 a.m.

“I detest losing my socks. Into what vortex do they fall into, and into what void do they emerge?

Is there a place where lost socks float for all eternity? Intermingling with their lost brethren, pining forever for their other halves?

Gag.” – Friday, March 25, 2005 11:28 a.m.

“Hello, pricks and bitches.

The moment has arrived.

I need a job.

I need a job.

I need a job.

Fuckhead. Fuckhead. Fuckhead.

Prick. Prick. Prick.

You’re all a bunch of fuckin’ pansies.

I can’t tell you what mood I am in.

I should be ecstatic that Anthro was cancelled.

Thrilled to the motherfuckin’ core.

But no, I am irritated. And my head is throbbing.

As a dear friend likes to say: “Dear God!”

To express a number of things. Contempt. Surprise. Etc.

I should be doing something constructive.

But I am tired of the Bible. Old and New.

Tired of the Koran.

Malarkey. Hoo-ha. Jargon. Nonsense.

Let’s all dance around the fuckin’ Maypole.

Pagan sorceress! BURN! Aahahahahahaha!

Teleological. Gag.

No. No. No.

You’ve got it all wrong.

All these faces. The guy to the far left of me keeps laughing at something. I wish I were amused at the moment as well. I’m just hunched over like some sinister old crone. The large girl to the left of me seems depressed. The guy directly in front of me has a queer smile on his lips. I don’t think he can get rid of it. The girl to my right can’t type without watching her fingers travel over the keyboard. The girl to my far right is somber and reflective.

And Jun, what of she? Well, well!

Sonic boom.

Kamehameha. [Phonetics. I love it.]

Do you get this?

Do you get me?

I should bring headphones with me. So I can bob my head, like so.

Do you remember when…? And when we…

And so on, and so forth. Reliving memories instead of making new ones. Or is it, making new ones and forgetting old ones?

What’s this, what could it be? Is this a love letter? Who could it be from?

Amazing how much of the lyrics I remember from the operetta.

I am going to keep typing nonstop until it is time for class. That will teach you. Yep.

Did you know?

The phantom male/ female consumers in the United States. [That is, what companies consider the “standard” size of United States citizens.]

Females: Ht. 5’4″ Males: Ht. 5′ 7″
Wt. 145 [152] lbs. Wt. 180 lbs.

Infanticide! Infanticide! Infanticide!

Oh, the horrors!

Circular reasoning.

The Man.

Oh, man.

No Pope, no Pope, lalalalalala!

Prancing hyenas.




Scene change.

Guy to the far left is still giggling. Asian guy to the right with a hat that says “shrimp.” Fag. Large girl has a bit more pep to her. New guy in front of me, slouching, face close to the keyboard. Girls to the right of me are still the same.

SMC Library.


Save me.


Been a while since Kyrgyzstan was in the news. Will always be synonymous with Mr. Lee and his dental work. Dental work = flashlight holding.

How are things in Iraq? Eh?
Well, well, let us see!
Taking first steps towards a new government. My, my!

There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernandooooo…

Triage! Triage! Triage! A major dilemma. Poor new Pope. Whoever he may be.

Thrill me.

What sort of a name is “Godfried”? Poor shmuck.

Papal candidates are typically age 60 and above.

Ancient buggers, them.

I want class to start already! Blachh!

I am willing to bet you a hundred bucks that at least half of the people in here are myspace whores. I can see them. In every single row, three or more of them. Gag.

Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!
Masquerade! Hide your face so the world will never find you
Masquerade! Every face a different shade
Masquerade! Look around, there’s another mask behind you.

Flash of mauve
Splash of puce
Fool and king
Ghoul and goose
Green and black
Queen and priest
Trace of rouge
Face of beast
Faces! Take your turn, take a ride
On the merry-go-round in an inhuman race
Eye of gold
True is false
Who is who?
Curl of lip
Swirl of gown
Ace of hearts
Face of clown
Faces! Drink it in, drink it up
Till you’ve drowned in the light, in the sound
But who can name the face?

Masquerade! Grinning yellows, spinning reds
Masquerade! Take your fill, let the spectacle astound you
Masquerade! Burning glances, turning heads
Masquerade! Stop and stare at the sea of smiles around you
Masquerade! Seething shadows breathing lies
Masquerade! You can fool any friend who ever knew you
Masquerade! Leering satyrs, peering eyes
Masquerade! Run and hide, but a face will still pursue you.

He’s here, the Phantom of the Opera!

Class will be starting soon. Woo!

And then traffic, marvelous traffic.

PHANTOM: You have come here
In pursuit of your deepest urge
In pursuit of that wish which till now
Has been silent

I have brought you
That our passions may fuse and merge
In your mind you’ve already succumbed to me, dropped all defenses
Completely succumbed to me
Now you are here with me
No second thoughts
You’ve decided

Past the point of no return
No backward glances

Past all thought of “if” or “when”
No use resisting
Abandon thought and let the dream descend

What raging FIRE shall flood the soul
What rich desire unlocks its door
What sweet seduction lies before us?

Past the point of no return
The final threshold
What warm unspoken secrets
Will we learn
beyond the point of no return?

CHRISTINE: You have brought me
To that moment when words run dry
To that moment when speech disappears
Into silence

I have come here,
Hardly knowing the reason why
In my mind I’ve already imagined
Our bodies entwining
Defenseless and silent,
Now I am here with you
No second thoughts
I’ve decided

Past the point of no return
No going back now
Our passion-play has now at last begun.

Past all thought of right or wrong
One final question
How long should we two wait before we’re one?

When will the blood begin to race
The sleeping bud burst into bloom
When will the flames at last consume us?

BOTH: Past the point of no return
The final threshold
The bridge is crossed
So stand and watch it burn
We’ve passed the point of no return.

PHANTOM: Say you’ll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Lead me, save me from my solitude

Say you want me
With you here
Beside you
Anywhere you go
Let me go too
Christine that’s all I ask of…

Ach! What sheer enjoyment.

Class in a few minutes!


I remember an interview with Michael Crawford, the original Phantom. He initially thought he was auditioning for the part of Raoul, the young, handsome, debonair suitor of Miss Christine Daae! Oh, how wrong he was, and yet, how perfect he was to play the Phantom!

Gaiman and Batman. WHAT?!

I must investigate.

Class starts in about ten minutes. I better zip on over to MC 9 now.

Ciao.” – Monday, April 04, 2005 2:05 p.m.

“Ahahahaha. That Guevarra. What a hoot!

rockandnaturoll: why the hell do you keep getting deleted off of my bl
oOo pinch me: O.o
oOo pinch me: seriously?
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: seriously
oOo pinch me:
rockandnaturoll: its fuckin strange
oOo pinch me: god doesn’t want us to be friends
rockandnaturoll: yeah big
rockandnaturoll: but we’re armand and lestat
oOo pinch me:
oOo pinch me: when do you notice that i get deleted
rockandnaturoll: who cares
rockandnaturoll: no one can tell us what to do or um…be or you know
rockandnaturoll: we win
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: thats all that matters
oOo pinch me: aww
oOo pinch me: you’re so cool
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: hardiahrahr
oOo pinch me: i miss you, mr. guevarra
rockandnaturoll: i miss you, ms. cabrera
rockandnaturoll: theres this girl here that looks like you
oOo pinch me: oh no!
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: like you back in 10th
oOo pinch me: i’m infinitely sexier though
oOo pinch me:
rockandnaturoll: when you wore glasses
oOo pinch me: oka
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: okay*
oOo pinch me: wow. 10th grade
rockandnaturoll: and i seriously keep thinking its you
oOo pinch me: i’ve changed quite a bit since then
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: flashback
oOo pinch me: ooo
rockandnaturoll: harhar
rockandnaturoll: its like
rockandnaturoll: “hey its jaena. Imma keep staring at her cause she looks like my friend jaena…Oh, she has a white boyfriend. I dont think Jaena would ever go out with a guy like that (he seemed like a prick). Yeah, nvm… not jaena. Ill just keep eating my french fries. I wonder what Jaena is doing right now…”
rockandnaturoll: thats how it is when i visit the dh sometimes
rockandnaturoll: sometimes
oOo pinch me: hahaha
oOo pinch me: neat
oOo pinch me: constant reminder
oOo pinch me: woo
oOo pinch me: normally i wouldn’t like the idea of someone looking like me that much
oOo pinch me: but if it makes you think about me…
rockandnaturoll: but shes not
rockandnaturoll: cause her personality doesnt fit
rockandnaturoll: and its like
rockandnaturoll: no
rockandnaturoll: “youre stupid. youre a wannabe jaena. prick”
oOo pinch me: hahaha
rockandnaturoll: i like your new xanga layout
oOo pinch me: that’s the most adorable thing i’ve heard today
rockandnaturoll: song i dig muchos too
oOo pinch me: which song
rockandnaturoll: incubus
oOo pinch me: it’s on?
oOo pinch me: really???
rockandnaturoll: miss you
rockandnaturoll: yeah
oOo pinch me: hahaha i didn’t know that worked
rockandnaturoll: yeah it works
rockandnaturoll: why?
oOo pinch me: i don’t hear it when i visit my site
rockandnaturoll: that happens to different comps for some reason
oOo pinch me: boo
oOo pinch me: is it still working now
rockandnaturoll: mmmmgm
rockandnaturoll: mmmhm*
oOo pinch me: SWEET
oOo pinch me: ahahaha
oOo pinch me: i’m happy to find out it works” – Tuesday, April 12, 2005 11:10 p.m.

“TrompetaSKA: you have a message on xanga

Auto response from oOo pinch me: Dad asked me when I was going to publish my book. Caught me offguard. Creative flurry.

oOo pinch me: for some reason it’s not that apparent that you keep yourself on check for me
oOo pinch me: somewhere i know it could get a lot worse
oOo pinch me: but it already feels bad enough
oOo pinch me: and the possibility of it being worse is quite beyond my perception
TrompetaSKA: but tell me
oOo pinch me: i know you’ve told me countless times that you have an anger problem and you’ve learned to deal with it your way
TrompetaSKA: how am i to be less hostile if you won’t let me contain it the only way i know how
oOo pinch me: why do you think you’re like that in the first place
TrompetaSKA: like what
oOo pinch me: why your anger is so palpable
TrompetaSKA: i had a real shitty childhood
TrompetaSKA: i know all my anger comes from then
oOo pinch me: so why can’t you control it any better than that.
TrompetaSKA: i was always casted out by my family
oOo pinch me: i always feel like you could be doing more on your side about that
oOo pinch me: i have a lot of anger in me too. i don’t let it take over me though.
TrompetaSKA: i’ve tried various ways to help
TrompetaSKA: i guess the only thing that helps is going back to the place i use to go as a child
TrompetaSKA: being alone is what became of me
TrompetaSKA: being only makes me feel better
TrompetaSKA: alone*
oOo pinch me: you honestly feel that’s the best you can control it??
TrompetaSKA: that is the only thing that works
TrompetaSKA: i’ve told you that already
oOo pinch me: so yes.
oOo pinch me: so there is absolutely nothing more that can be done with that
TrompetaSKA: i don’t know
TrompetaSKA: nothing else that i’ve done helps
TrompetaSKA: i’ve tried
TrompetaSKA: one other thing helps
TrompetaSKA: but you know what that is
TrompetaSKA: and i think we both agree that i shouldn’t do that
TrompetaSKA: releasing my anger through violence works better than solitude
TrompetaSKA: short term anyways
oOo pinch me: i don’t know why i can’t or couldn’t just accept that is how you deal with things
oOo pinch me: no one ever talks to me the way you do when you’re upset.
TrompetaSKA: the only other person i talk to like that is my mom
TrompetaSKA: and is that
TrompetaSKA: i have a very low tolerance for people that don’t listen
TrompetaSKA: my mom doesn’t listen to me
oOo pinch me: i listen. i don’t understand.
TrompetaSKA: and i’d do far worse to my mom than you if she didn’t let me leave when i do
TrompetaSKA: the difference between you and my mom in this is that she let’s me leave
oOo pinch me: i suppose i don’t have the same security she does. you’re her son. nothing can really change that.
TrompetaSKA: and in a as little as a minute or two… i feel better
TrompetaSKA: you;ve witnessed that yourself
TrompetaSKA: what more security do you want
TrompetaSKA: i asked you to marry me
TrompetaSKA: and i meant it
oOo pinch me: i don’t know. i don’t know. the people in my life who weren’t supposed to leave me, did.
oOo pinch me: well, i’m mostly talking about my own mother
oOo pinch me: but yes.
TrompetaSKA: but nothing
TrompetaSKA: you can’t compare me to your mother in this aspect
TrompetaSKA: it’s completely different
oOo pinch me: i see them as very similar. she’s very important to my life.
oOo pinch me: and she still left me
oOo pinch me: there were ties between us that i thought could never be torn asunder
oOo pinch me: but it happened
oOo pinch me: and if it happened with my own mother, how can i be sure of anything
oOo pinch me: it may seem childish and irrational to lump you and my mother in the same boat
oOo pinch me: but i have the same fear
TrompetaSKA: your mother has a completely different mind set than i do
oOo pinch me: i know, i know. it’s irrational.
TrompetaSKA: your mom is extremely immature
oOo pinch me: and i seriously have to get over it.
oOo pinch me: oh.. i don’t know about her… she was dealing with it her way, to the extreme detriment of her children
oOo pinch me: but nevertheless, her way
TrompetaSKA: i asked you to be more apart of my life
TrompetaSKA: i loved you then and i love you know
TrompetaSKA: now*
TrompetaSKA: that hasn’t changed
TrompetaSKA: you know that
TrompetaSKA: did you have this fear of me/us any time before recently
oOo pinch me: maybe it was more innate than anything else
oOo pinch me: i wasn’t really aware of it till now
TrompetaSKA: what has changed
TrompetaSKA: really
oOo pinch me: about what, exactly?
TrompetaSKA: a fucking label
TrompetaSKA: what changed that you have the fear of me leaving
oOo pinch me: perhaps i’ve always had the fear that you’d leave me. you’ve been infinitely more than i bargained for. and every time we have an argument i suppose that fear is always in the back of my mind
oOo pinch me: but i never saw it that way, connected it to my insecurity about my mother, till now
TrompetaSKA: do you really think that i’m going to leave you completely over some little fucking arguement that in the long run doesn’t mean shit
oOo pinch me: no, i don’t really believe it.
TrompetaSKA: do you really think that’s something i would do
oOo pinch me: but i’m never exactly calm either
oOo pinch me: or rational
oOo pinch me: when we’re arguing
oOo pinch me: but that’s always the downfall
oOo pinch me: not remaining calm
TrompetaSKA: i’m going to tell you right now
TrompetaSKA: the only thing that would make me leave you completely is…
TrompetaSKA: honestly i don’t know
TrompetaSKA: i don’t think you could do something to me that would make me do that
TrompetaSKA: at least i hope you wouldn’t
TrompetaSKA: i’ve remained friends with people i have been in a relationship previously
oOo pinch me: oh.. i don’t know why that surprises me. it shouldn’t. but it does. just seeing it i suppose.
TrompetaSKA: except for one person
TrompetaSKA: and that is out of my hands
TrompetaSKA: she’s the one that decides not to be friends with me
oOo pinch me: mm yes
TrompetaSKA: so really…
TrompetaSKA: i feel that unless you leave me… i’ll always be here
oOo pinch me: i have nothing to fear, basically.
TrompetaSKA: and even if you do leave me
TrompetaSKA: i’ll still always be here
TrompetaSKA: i’m not the type of person that whould hold a life long grudge
TrompetaSKA: you know that
oOo pinch me: yes…
oOo pinch me: i’m just kind processing all of this right now
oOo pinch me: so yes. the silence.
oOo pinch me: i don’t know why i never expected that sort of answer from you
TrompetaSKA: what sort of answer
oOo pinch me: well, there’s no reason for me to be afraid of you leaving me
oOo pinch me: and if there’s no reason to be afraid, no reason for me to panic
oOo pinch me: it’s just this long chain of things
oOo pinch me: no reason to fear, then no reason to panic, then no reason make ridiculous decisions, etc
oOo pinch me: soothing
TrompetaSKA: ???
oOo pinch me: i’m sorry for doubting you
TrompetaSKA: don’t even worry about it
oOo pinch me: i suddenly feel a lot lighter. like i figured something out.
oOo pinch me: like something can finally be done.
oOo pinch me: what about you?
TrompetaSKA: what about me
oOo pinch me: how do you feel
TrompetaSKA: about?? ” – Wednesday, April 13, 2005 1:21 a.m.

“But oh, oh, I am in such a strange mood. I am bitterly full of desire. No, no, not lust, but desire. It is unspeakable to need someone in this way. The closer I am, the farther I feel. The nights are sleepless, the days listless. My entire being tosses and turns, restless, aching. Never have I felt such longing, such undisguised, undisputed, longing. Love you, love you as I’ve never loved, love you with my humble heart which I never knew I had, my brilliant one, my dark-eyed one, my strength. I’ve belonged to nightmares, to my own insecurities. I’ve belonged to fantasies. I’ve belonged to ideas and dreams and designs of magnificence, and now I belong to you, I’m yours. Within your arms and against your heart, I knew a measure of sweetness and quiet previously unknown to me. It shouldn’t hurt so much to be away from you. It shouldn’t tear me to pieces that I no longer fall asleep by your side. I haven’t lost you, you’re still so very near. And I know I’ll never lose you. You’re in my heart forever. But I wronged you. I hurt you in ways unfathomable to me.

Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know. The tempest has subsided, and I’m left rather drained.”

“oOo pinch me: hahaha
oOo pinch me: now i’m fucking angry for some reason
TrompetaSKA: what???
oOo pinch me: oh i don’t know
oOo pinch me: i’m suddenly incredibly angry
oOo pinch me: so very fucking angry
oOo pinch me: brb
oOo pinch me: ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok o ko ko ko ko k
TrompetaSKA: ???
TrompetaSKA: what the hell
TrompetaSKA: ???
TrompetaSKA: …
TrompetaSKA: …
TrompetaSKA: …
oOo pinch me: i
oOo pinch me: er
oOo pinch me: i’m still here
oOo pinch me: bouncing all over the place
oOo pinch me: suddenly have A LOT of energy
TrompetaSKA: what the fuck is going on with you
oOo pinch me: said brb because i thought i was going to throw up or something
oOo pinch me: oh i don’t know
oOo pinch me: a breakdown?
oOo pinch me: brink of hysteria? yes?
oOo pinch me: just…
oOo pinch me: i don’t know
oOo pinch me: lots of stuff going on
oOo pinch me: always lots of stuff going on
oOo pinch me: and it keeps heaping on and on and on
oOo pinch me: bound to break down at some point
oOo pinch me: bound to freak out at some point
oOo pinch me: still angry
oOo pinch me: don
oOo pinch me: t know what at
oOo pinch me: angry at everything maybe
oOo pinch me: a lot of problems all at once
oOo pinch me: some of my own making
oOo pinch me: some that are out of my hands
oOo pinch me: and all these feelings that accompany them
oOo pinch me: the hurt, the betrayal, the insecurity, the sadness, the anger
oOo pinch me: all jumbled together
TrompetaSKA: what betrayal???
oOo pinch me: the emptiness
oOo pinch me: theloneliness
oOo pinch me: betrayal???
oOo pinch me: mother
oOo pinch me: always her
oOo pinch me: but nothing can be done about her right now
oOo pinch me: she won’t see the errors in her ways
oOo pinch me: she still thinks she was/ is doing what is right
oOo pinch me: anyway
oOo pinch me: all the feelings
oOo pinch me: all of THESE feelings
oOo pinch me: i need to relax
oOo pinch me: i really need to relax
oOo pinch me: but i feel alone
oOo pinch me: and it’s hard for me to relax on my mind
oOo pinch me: i can’t relax when it’s just me and my mind and this room
oOo pinch me: i need pie! i need a hug! i need someone SANE
oOo pinch me: because i can get easily carried away if i don’t have something to ground me.
oOo pinch me: i am NOT insane
oOo pinch me: i am NOT a lunatic
oOo pinch me: i do NOT need to be committed
oOo pinch me: i need…
oOo pinch me: what do i need
oOo pinch me: i know precisely what i need to do
oOo pinch me: i know exactly how i am going to do it
oOo pinch me: but what do i need to do all that i KNOW i can do
oOo pinch me: how cna i believe in myself and still need something more
oOo pinch me: it’s not a lack of support
oOo pinch me: i have loads and loads of that precious human component
oOo pinch me: confidence? is that it?
oOo pinch me: no, no
oOo pinch me: not that either
oOo pinch me: i’
oOo pinch me: i’m lacking nothing!!!
oOo pinch me: is it resolve?
oOo pinch me: do i lack fucking RESOLVE
oOo pinch me: do i really NOT want to see an end to my theatrics
oOo pinch me: do I ENJOY this this this terrible display of myself
oOo pinch me: what do i lack if not resolve?
oOo pinch me: why can’t i just say FUCK YOU to myself and just get on with it already
oOo pinch me: why do i succumb to these flights of mania
oOo pinch me: why do i seemingly EXCEL at tihs sort of commotion
oOo pinch me: i feel like when i
oOo pinch me: am like this
oOo pinch me: this is the only time i am COHERENT
oOo pinch me: the only time i am ELOQUENT
oOo pinch me: the only time when my goddamn self can express itself without pausing and wondering about what i am going to say
oOo pinch me: gah!
oOo pinch me: i’d throw my hands up in the air if that wasn’t such a ridiculous gesture
oOo pinch me: i’ve exhausted myself
oOo pinch me: entirely
oOo pinch me: oz, why do i feel so alone when things are not right between us
TrompetaSKA: i don’t know
oOo pinch me: why is so much contingent upon that
TrompetaSKA: maybe cuz you feel the world has ended
oOo pinch me: it certainly feels like that at times
oOo pinch me: but realistically that is of course not true
oOo pinch me: and i’m aware of that but my feelings won’t comply with my brain
oOo pinch me: i need to stop being so dependent on you
oOo pinch me: on us
oOo pinch me: i’m stronger than that
oOo pinch me: i can handle my own shit once in a while
oOo pinch me: not entirely by myself, but yeah
oOo pinch me: yes, yes
oOo pinch me: even more to work on
oOo pinch me: during the day i feel like i’d feel much better if i got a hug from you or something
oOo pinch me: i don’t necessarily want to SINK into you, you know
oOo pinch me: i miss you
oOo pinch me: i miss you so much
oOo pinch me: just your easy presence
oOo pinch me: someone to stand with, and not just stand by
oOo pinch me: i feel it necessary to touch your strength once in a while
TrompetaSKA: what do you mean by “touch my strength”
TrompetaSKA: ???
oOo pinch me: hug you or something. for the comfort. the strength. the reassurance.
oOo pinch me: i’ve always seen you as a strong person
oOo pinch me: you’re more confident in yourself than i am
oOo pinch me: you just have this inner strength about you
oOo pinch me: i feel it when i’m with you and it gives me confidence too
oOo pinch me: or optimism
TrompetaSKA: i just know myself and what i’m all about
oOo pinch me: yeah yeah yeah. not many people possess that
oOo pinch me: a strong concept of self
oOo pinch me: oy,
oOo pinch me: this is progress
oOo pinch me: i don’t care about hysterics anymore
oOo pinch me: not this kind, anyway
oOo pinch me: I may be miserable
oOo pinch me: i may cry a lot
oOo pinch me: but definitely feel like my ass is going somewhere
oOo pinch me: over the last couple of days i’ve felt a determination i never possessed before
oOo pinch me: and i’ve been thinking about my love for you
TrompetaSKA: uh huh
oOo pinch me: how it just keeps growing and growing
oOo pinch me: and how completely i’m yours, regardless of what happens
oOo pinch me: i wrote about how much i miss you
oOo pinch me: the paragraph pleases me for some reason
oOo pinch me: well, i guess because it’s very very accurate
oOo pinch me: for me
TrompetaSKA: the thing you put in xanga around 6ish
oOo pinch me: was it 6ish??
oOo pinch me: i suppose
oOo pinch me: yeah
oOo pinch me: yes, yes
oOo pinch me: i love you
TrompetaSKA: i love you too
oOo pinch me: I’ve belonged to ideas and dreams and designs of magnificence, and now I belong to you, I’m yours. Within your arms and against your heart, I knew a measure of sweetness and quiet previously unknown to me.
oOo pinch me: that’s my fav part for some reason
oOo pinch me: mostly the second sentence, i think
TrompetaSKA: in reference to nov 29th???
oOo pinch me:
oOo pinch me: the very first time
oOo pinch me: sweetness
oOo pinch me: sigh
oOo pinch me: i better get to bed
oOo pinch me: i know i have a long day ahead of me
TrompetaSKA: mmk
oOo pinch me: sweet dreams, my love, my sweetness
oOo pinch me: goodnight
TrompetaSKA: night ” – Thursday, April 14, 2005 1:43 a.m.

“I don’t want to cry right now. I really don’t want to cry right now. I don’t want my dad to come home to his daughter in hysterics, yet again.

You know, Rowan, dear. You know all that I have been through. You know my fears and you have seen the worst of my tears.

I’d like to chronicle my life the way I see it. And then criticize it at my leisure.

My life has been characterized by insecurity. From the very start. My parents divorced when I was three or four. Sometime before I started preschool, I’m sure. The separation and the divorce did not leave much of an impression on me. I was far too young to remember any arguments, any tension, any hostility between my parents. I have a few vague memories of my family living under one roof, but for the most part I can only recall living with one parent at a time.

After the divorce, my brother and I lived with my father and his parents for a time. This period was characterized chiefly by my grandparents’ and their outlook on life. My father always worked the night shift at the post office. He still does. My grandparents’ constantly impressed upon us that death was ever present, that there were ghosts and monsters who would snatch us away if we were insolent. That God was always watching. It would seem like my early childhood was shaped by my grandparents, particularly my grandma, but what they tried to instill in me never took hold. I learned to utterly fear God. The idea that He was watching me constantly made me nervous. As a child, I had the strange notion that this omnipotent being could not see me through the dining room table, so I spent most of my time beneath it, doing my schoolwork or reading a book.

Ah, books! My salvation and perhaps my curse. Books have always fascinated me. From the earliest age, words have had a wonderful effect on me. My father and my grandfather used to read the newspaper to me, and I would try to follow along with my tiny fingertip. To cement my interest in literature, my father took me to the local library. I know this only because under no other circumstances would my father go to a library. And he hasn’t been to one since I was a small girl. Now, all these old musty books held wonders for me. I loved them all. I loved the science books. The history books. I perused each section at will. Later on I would narrow down my interests, but that won’t be for quite a while.

I always ended up checking out science books. Books that explained how things worked and how they were created. I soon started gravitating over to animals and biology. I loved it all. At that age I’d has aspirations of becoming a doctor. I would go on piping that little dream whenever asked until I reached high school.

Back to my upbringing. Yes. Those early years seemed content enough. On weekends my dad would take us to various parks around the area. Torrance. Long Beach. Palos Verdes. San Pedro. Etcetera. We would ride bikes or just zip around the playground. Dad did spend time with us. And he bought us stuff as well. We were the only kids to have our own little Jeep and our own convertible. Barbie vehicles. We had tents and forts and basketballs and footballs and Supersoakers and Legos galore. As children, we had all the possible comforts imaginable. And I was far too young to feel or understand how I was feeling, if I had any misgivings about my parents and their divorce at all.

We lived like this for a few years. Dad, my grandparents, my brother, and myself beneath the same roof every night. School was manageable. I was rather bright, except in math I failed miserably. I actually needed a tutor to help me with simple subtraction in kindergarten. But that slight failure just made me try harder..

Here, let me take the time to describe myself at this tender age. Also, I should save before I continue any further. [04.12.05.—-11:59pm]

And I proceed on. I think calling me a precocious child would be a tad too generous. Gifted? I don’t even know what that means. I was certainly very curious. Even as a toddling infant I loved touching things and examining things. My grandfather would have to lock all the cabinets so that he wouldn’t find the pots and pans strewn randomly around the house when he got back from work. I ruined many VCRs and I even meddled with the piano by sticking things inside of every opening. When the piano repair man came, he found wire hangers, parts of action figures, various foods, and a host of other things that should not be found inside of a piano. Yes, I was insatiable. And indefatigable. Personality-wise, I was much more subdued than my brother. He was the baby. The showstopper. The funny guy. I was exactly the opposite. I found more enjoyment in my solitary exploratory exploits than running around outside. Nathan was more adventurous and possessed more pep than I could ever muster at that age. I was quiet and serious most of the time.

As children, my brother and I were polar opposites. What he excelled in, I literally failed in.” – Tuesday, April 19, 2005 12:26 a.m.

“Dear God, [and I say all of this with the utmost sincerity]

I need your help. I need the peace and bliss that you afford. I’m merely human. I’ve always been only that, no matter how hard I try not to be. I hurt. I feel anger and sorrow. I feel helpless. I can’t come to terms with the idea that there is absolutely nothing beyond our tiny, insignificant lives. All of the awesome people in my life? Where will they be when they die? Where will all that soul go when their bodies cease to function? I have been wrestling with the “nothingness” that you are and I don’t want to feel like there really is nothing. I believe there is no god, but do I know it in my heart? There is a huge difference between the two.

I don’t know if you’re out there. I don’t know whether you are anything like what my friends and family believe in. I don’t know that I believe you exist the way most of us believe you do. I can’t help feeling something is out there. I don’t believe you are even conscious. Perhaps you’re just a state. Like Nirvana. Perhaps all most of humanity has done is personify you, make you more familiar. We all feel you. We all feel the immensity of the Unknown. And we have all had various ways of identifying with you. But maybe you are not anything like what we envision. What do I personally see? What do I personally feel? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s out there. I can’t believe nothing is out there. I don’t know that you will even hear me. I don’t really care about heaven. I don’t care about punishment, the eternally damned. I don’t care about retribution. I don’t care about any of that. The world is how it is. The world is going to be what is it going to be. I don’t need to know that you are taking care of me, that you have some grand plan for me.

How do I reach you? How do I attain what all those mystics have felt? Will I ever? I don’t know if I can meditate. I know that I’ve only tried it once, but the idea of emptying my mind…. I’m plagued by many worries, least of all my anxiety about you. Are you the Infinite? Are you the all-mighty, the all-knowing? How can you be nothing and everything all at once? If you’re anything like what I’ve been told, how can you condone evil? Honestly, tell me.

God, lately I’ve really been feeling like something is missing in my life. Moreso than ever before. And it’s been suggested to me that it might be you. I can’t believe in the YOU that is so revered and worshipped. What they say about you is too much, too contradictory, and I know it’s all just human perception. I’ll never really understand the mystery that is you. For that’s all you are to any of us; life’s ultimate Mystery.

I suppose I should settle. I should try to content myself with this knowledge in my heart. I know there is something more than we can see. I know I will never understand it in my lifetime. I do not know who you really are, or what you really are. I’ll just have to content myself with knowing that whatever you are, whichever form you happen to take, whatever name is given to you, whichever attributes are given to you by humanity, you are out there. And you are utterly unattainable.” – Wednesday, May 11, 2005 10:48 a.m.

“rockandnaturoll: what are you talking about?
rockandnaturoll: still no worries
rockandnaturoll: why worry?
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: i have a lot of stupid worries
rockandnaturoll: why?
oOo pinch me: i don’t know what’s wrong with me really
oOo pinch me: i can’t wait for all of you guys to come home for the summer
oOo pinch me: grrr
rockandnaturoll: stop worrying we’ll come home
rockandnaturoll: just enjoy what you can
oOo pinch me: trying, trying
rockandnaturoll: at least your trying
oOo pinch me: mmhmm
oOo pinch me: i just can’t wait to relax with you guys
oOo pinch me:
rockandnaturoll: awww
rockandnaturoll: like
oOo pinch me: when i see you, i’m going to give you the BIGGEST hug
rockandnaturoll: relaxin to the maxin…
rockandnaturoll: no youre notttt
oOo pinch me: and i think i faith
oOo pinch me: you know, religious faith
oOo pinch me: hahaha
rockandnaturoll: youre a faith?
oOo pinch me: woops. i have faith
oOo pinch me: hahaha
rockandnaturoll: you do?
rockandnaturoll: what type of faith?
oOo pinch me: i don’t kno
oOo pinch me: w
oOo pinch me: hahaha
rockandnaturoll: harhar
oOo pinch me: i just know in my heart that something is out there
rockandnaturoll: i think no matter what we call our selves spiritually
rockandnaturoll: we all have faith
rockandnaturoll: you know?
rockandnaturoll: cause they has to be some sort of explanation for all of this
oOo pinch me: but i can’t attribute most of the current big religions to what i feel,
rockandnaturoll: dont know if its god
rockandnaturoll: or science
rockandnaturoll: but its something
oOo pinch me: it’s all a gigantic, ultimate mystery
oOo pinch me: that’s what i know and believe
rockandnaturoll: me too
oOo pinch me: and i also know i’ll never know it
rockandnaturoll: all i know is that i dont knooowwww
oOo pinch me: not REALLY know it for what it is
oOo pinch me: yessir!
oOo pinch me: man, you’re awesome
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: all i know is that i dont know nottthinnn
rockandnaturoll: i love that song
rockandnaturoll: and quote
oOo pinch me: i can’t ascribe to a particular religion
rockandnaturoll: i cant either
rockandnaturoll: thats why i considered myself panthiest after leibs explained what that meant
rockandnaturoll: cause some aspects of the major religons make sense to me because of my own experiences in my life
oOo pinch me: because i know a lot of it is also human perception
oOo pinch me: or personification
oOo pinch me: us trying to identify with the Unknown
oOo pinch me: trying to make it familiar and personable
oOo pinch me: mm yes
oOo pinch me: ditto
oOo pinch me: about the own experiences stuff
oOo pinch me: i was reading about mysticism
oOo pinch me: and how all mystics, all over the world, from all ages, have felt the same thing
rockandnaturoll: like dr strange comic books?!
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: harhar sorry, jp jp
oOo pinch me: they describe their mystical experiences almost the exact same way
rockandnaturoll: you know what else is interesting
oOo pinch me: they lose their knowledge of their individuality and become a part of something larger, something OTHER
rockandnaturoll: yeah!
rockandnaturoll: lol
oOo pinch me: and they feel all this bliss and peace and everything
rockandnaturoll: nirvana
oOo pinch me: yeah
rockandnaturoll: this reminds me of those times in journalism
oOo pinch me: yeah
oOo pinch me: man, i miss those too!!!
oOo pinch me: you were the perfect desk mate
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: me too
rockandnaturoll: hardiahrahar
rockandnaturoll: the post its
oOo pinch me:
oOo pinch me: awww
oOo pinch me: *tear*
rockandnaturoll: harhar
oOo pinch me: i visited the staff the other day
oOo pinch me: and i was like.. oh man, THEIR year is already almost over
oOo pinch me: wow
oOo pinch me: they grew up so fast
rockandnaturoll: well the berkeley kids wil be back in a week, and the others in 4 weeks
oOo pinch me: and i won’t know ANYONE in the next staff
rockandnaturoll: yeah
rockandnaturoll: jobelle?
rockandnaturoll: i think thats the only one ill know
oOo pinch me: ohh!
oOo pinch me: yeah
rockandnaturoll: hopefully my sister joings
oOo pinch me: only her, i think
rockandnaturoll: joins*
rockandnaturoll: but yeah
rockandnaturoll: man
rockandnaturoll: wow
rockandnaturoll: theyre gone
rockandnaturoll: we definitely gotta visit them together when i come back
rockandnaturoll: ooo
rockandnaturoll: with paul too
oOo pinch me: yeah
rockandnaturoll: and im gonna take the dylan painting home
oOo pinch me: kidnap them
oOo pinch me: man
oOo pinch me: throw them into paul’s van
rockandnaturoll: harhar
rockandnaturoll: and um
oOo pinch me: and tell them we never gave them their “initiation”
oOo pinch me: and proceed to….
rockandnaturoll: and bring out the paddles
oOo pinch me: ahahaha
rockandnaturoll: and bricks
oOo pinch me: yes!
oOo pinch me: whack!
oOo pinch me: whomp!
rockandnaturoll: and lassos?
oOo pinch me: hahaha
rockandnaturoll: harhar
rockandnaturoll: whomp!
oOo pinch me: if you know how to use one
rockandnaturoll: WHOMP!
oOo pinch me: i can;t
rockandnaturoll: they wont be able to see with bags over their heads anyway
oOo pinch me: of course
rockandnaturoll: we can just pretend
oOo pinch me: that’s the exciting part
rockandnaturoll: pretend we’re in wyoming…
oOo pinch me: what’s gonna happen next?! aaahh! *whack*
oOo pinch me: hahaha
rockandnaturoll: oh wyoming
rockandnaturoll: how i miss you so
rockandnaturoll: harhar
oOo pinch me:
oOo pinch me: i should tell paul
oOo pinch me: i WILL tell paul
oOo pinch me: hmm
rockandnaturoll: yes!
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: WHOO!
oOo pinch me: who else do we need to get in on this
oOo pinch me: hmmm
rockandnaturoll: hm
oOo pinch me: why am i drawing a blank
oOo pinch me: this is horrible
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: us three is fine
rockandnaturoll: the tres amigo(a)s
rockandnaturoll: hey hey
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: did you see the batman comic in my profile?
oOo pinch me: oh, no
oOo pinch me: not yet
oOo pinch me: but i shall
rockandnaturoll: yes yes please
rockandnaturoll: i know youll enjoy it
oOo pinch me: it already amuses me and it hasn’t even fully loaded yet
rockandnaturoll: hardiahaahrahr
rockandnaturoll: and keep in mind
rockandnaturoll: this is REAL
rockandnaturoll: issue like 66 or something
rockandnaturoll: back in the 60s
oOo pinch me: haha okay
oOo pinch me: hahahaha
rockandnaturoll: i know youd like it
oOo pinch me: what does he mean, bruce? how can he FORCE you into a boner?
rockandnaturoll: whoo!
oOo pinch me: hahaha
rockandnaturoll: man, im so smrt
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: hardiaharahr
rockandnaturoll: i guess boner meant MISTAKE back them
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: is there anywhere we can look up for sure
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: cuz when i see boner
oOo pinch me: i think boner
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: and it’s.. a boner
rockandnaturoll: HARDIAHRAHAR
rockandnaturoll: i read that that’s what boner meant in WIZARD
rockandnaturoll: look it up online?
oOo pinch me: haha okay
oOo pinch me: let’s see what webster has to say about a boner
oOo pinch me: humph
oOo pinch me: nothing worthwhile
rockandnaturoll: what does it say?
oOo pinch me: it just says its a noun
oOo pinch me: “one that bones”
oOo pinch me: or placates
oOo pinch me: how helpful is that?
oOo pinch me: psj
oOo pinch me: psh
rockandnaturoll: stupid webster
rockandnaturoll: psh
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: boner

n : an embarrassing mistake [syn: blunder, blooper, bloomer, bungle, foul-up, fuckup, flub, botch, boo-boo]

oOo pinch me: thank you, dictionary.com
rockandnaturoll: WHOO!
rockandnaturoll: i won!
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: guevarra won!
oOo pinch me: that deserves a slap on the back
rockandnaturoll: WOOO!
oOo pinch me: mmm
oOo pinch me: my friend asked me
oOo pinch me: if a band of ninjas were to suddenly break through your window
oOo pinch me: would you be ready?…. would you be ready?!
rockandnaturoll: yeah!
rockandnaturoll: dude
rockandnaturoll: i sleep with a gun in my pants
rockandnaturoll: without the safety on mind you
rockandnaturoll: how bad ass is that
rockandnaturoll: man
rockandnaturoll: im so bad ass
rockandnaturoll: i should be like
rockandnaturoll: riding a motorcycle
oOo pinch me: hahaha
rockandnaturoll: and chewing on tobbaco
oOo pinch me: lestat rides a harley
rockandnaturoll: and
oOo pinch me: with his violet sunglasses and tight leather pants
oOo pinch me: reowr!
rockandnaturoll: hardiahraahrahr
rockandnaturoll: i remember reading that line
rockandnaturoll: and going
rockandnaturoll: hey
rockandnaturoll: i wear one too
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me:
oOo pinch me: i love those characters
oOo pinch me: mmm
oOo pinch me: like, one of the only blondes i would jump
rockandnaturoll: hardiahraahrahr
rockandnaturoll: i didnt like him in queen of the damned though
rockandnaturoll: he didnt seem like the book lestat
rockandnaturoll: well i havent really read queen
rockandnaturoll: but
rockandnaturoll: he doesnt reem like the memnoch lestat
oOo pinch me: mmm yeah
oOo pinch me: but lestat’s grown kind of
oOo pinch me: from queen and memnoch
oOo pinch me: cuz queen is before memnoch
rockandnaturoll: oOOoo
rockandnaturoll: so was he like that in the queen book?
oOo pinch me: he was more subservient than he normally would be
rockandnaturoll: he was
rockandnaturoll: hopefully theyll be a memnoch movie one day
rockandnaturoll: hopefully tim burton will direct it!
rockandnaturoll: man
oOo pinch me: man
oOo pinch me: if we’re rich
rockandnaturoll: thatd be awesome
oOo pinch me: let’s produce the damn thing
rockandnaturoll: YES!
oOo pinch me: and make sure it goes right
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: shiiiit
rockandnaturoll: ill produce it
rockandnaturoll: i think id make johnny depp lestat
rockandnaturoll: and benicio del torro armand
rockandnaturoll: but skinnier
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: but benicio del torro is super old
oOo pinch me: well, he’s aging fast
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: and johnny depp… well…. i’ll always think he’s yummy
rockandnaturoll: he is
rockandnaturoll: but i think you can make him look young
rockandnaturoll: or or
rockandnaturoll: Nick from the yeah yeah yeahs lol
rockandnaturoll: or julian from the strokes
rockandnaturoll: man
rockandnaturoll: this sounds pretty gay
oOo pinch me: ahahaha
rockandnaturoll: hey but im comfortable lol
rockandnaturoll: ill admit
rockandnaturoll: theyre pretty damn sexy
rockandnaturoll: harhar
rockandnaturoll: well
rockandnaturoll: im off to the dining hall mi amiga
oOo pinch me: hahaha
oOo pinch me: yessir
oOo pinch me: i hope that girl that loooks like me is there
oOo pinch me: you know
oOo pinch me: i save most of our conversations
oOo pinch me: cuz they’re always so kickass
rockandnaturoll: HARDIAHRAHAR
rockandnaturoll: wow
rockandnaturoll: im honored
oOo pinch me: and i read them to make me smile
oOo pinch me: haha
rockandnaturoll: wow
oOo pinch me: see what a great friend you are even though i don’t see you EVER anymore
rockandnaturoll: thats why they call me…
rockandnaturoll: chris?
rockandnaturoll: harhar
rockandnaturoll: well im off
oOo pinch me: haha
oOo pinch me: mmk
rockandnaturoll: peace out j-money
oOo pinch me: enjoy yourself at the late night cafe
oOo pinch me: er
oOo pinch me: that’s what we called it at BU
oOo pinch me: hah
rockandnaturoll is away at 10:33:18 PM.” – Wednesday, May 11, 2005 10:34 p.m.

“Grudges. I hate grudges. Of course, I’m guilty of them just as much as the next individual, but I hate them nonetheless. They are intrinsically juvenile and self-defeating. And while I fully realize this, my emotions refuse to go down the same path as the rest of my mind. Oh, wouldn’t life be absolutely more simple if the two driving elements in ourselves could just mesh together and do it all night long? Yes? Then they wouldn’t be arguing and disagreeing at almost every single significant venture in our lives. All they would be saying is “Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh God, yes!” over and over again. Constant agreement. Yes. I’m babbling out of my ass.

Yes, yes.

No worries, right Guevarra? Hah.

Hang in there, Ducky. [I’m Ducky, if anyone’s curious.]

I think that when I finally write something substantial, it will be something you cannot really classify. Either that or it could be everything all at once. It might be nothing at all, or a narrative story, a character study, etc., all included within the pages of my book.

I’m in mysticism’s hold.

Gag.” – Saturday, May 21, 2005 1:39 p.m.

I grew tired of doing that. Alas.

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