"Tonight. You."

I was feeling pretty crummy yesterday. My throat was terribly itchy, and I had a bloody headache that would not fade away, even though I’d had Vicodin and oodles of sleep. I had already resigned myself to a self-inflicted quarantine in my room when David called and said he’d be going home to work on some Breeze work. Not much later, he calls me and tells me to open the front door. Lo and behold, he has wonton soup, Halls fruit Breezers, Excedrin, and three DVDs. He LIED in order to surprise me. What an ass! Needless to say, I was ridiculously grateful, and I’ve been telling him so for the past day. :]

And I am feeling so much better it is ludicrous. :]

I can’t stop smiling. I’m a beaming imbecile.

We woke up fairly late but the rest of the day progressed very nicely as well.

I had lunch at Mimi’s Cafe today with Nagisa, one of the copy editors last semester. We caught up over the events of the winter break. She is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. She brought me a Japanese snack called “jyagariko” that I have yet to try.

Since it was about time for Miss Damo to return from school, I whiled away time by stopping at my grandparents to search for something. I then headed over to Donna’s house, where her mom gave me a chicken sandwich and some very yummy shrimp egg rolls. I love food. ๐Ÿ˜€

Donna drove us to her dad’s house so that we could clean up our party mess from the weekend before. There really wasn’t much to do so I ended up fooling around on her tree swing in the backyard. I want her to convince her dad to move out so that she and I could have that awesome place to ourselves. And I can swing as much as I please. Whenever I want. Jessica and two of her friends stopped by. Jessica was my “girlfriend” throughout high school before I got into a serious relationship. She’s the first, and last girl, I’ll ever kiss. I didn’t realize it until this past week, but I really miss her company. In high school, it was always DD, Sica, and Jun. Always. But it seemed that we grew apart when we started dating certain individuals. Jessica was the more sane one of our trio, usually. I was brooding and angry for the most part, and Donna was… Donna.

It was just awfully nice being together again. I hope it continues.

As the sun was setting, Donna and I decided to visit my brother in Costa Mesa. Nathan works at Lawry’s in South Coast Plaza. We took PCH until Cherry, then hopped onto the South 405. Ah, I forgot to mention that Donna was driving the entire time we were together. Yeow! It feels nice to be the passenger. I can enjoy all the local scenery. ๐Ÿ˜›

When we arrived, we weren’t hungry. After looking at the menu, we decided to split a chicken Caesar sandwich, a side of steamed and buttered broccoli, and a side of macaroni and cheese. ๐Ÿ˜› My brother never charges us for drinks. I suppose that’s him being generous.

We strolled around a bit. South Coast Plaza is ridiculously expensive for us. I mean, I like expensive things, but ouch. But we did discover this lovely bookstore called “Book Soup” that contained a lot of fascinating pieces of literature. I’ll have to return when I have the funds. :/

Today was lovely because it was filled with good people and good food.

But I have always reserved nighttime for self-reflection. And I am a bit bothered by something right now, and I want to be as candid as I possibly can be.

I lack real motivation. I cannot yet decide whether it is due to uncertainty or cowardice. Actually, it is an amalgam of both. My mind cannot settle on a school; what if I fail again when I’m away from my comfort zones? I’ve done this numerous times before. I have left and forced myself to not look back until it was time for me to return. I’ve thrust myself into the unknown and emerged victorious, more or less. I remember sitting on the plane on my way to Ithaca. It struck me then, and only then, that I was going to be across the country alone among strangers. It helped that my super friend Espanola was with me, but we weren’t taking any of the same classes. I would have to tough it solo, for the most part. I wasn’t scared though; I was apprehensive at most. But presently, I am terrribly frightened. I know I have the ability to succeed regardless of where I land, but I want to be sure I go somewhere that is right for me this time. And I want to be certain that I have the mental and emotional capacity to deal with it, unlike my Boston fiasco. Though I suppose there is no way to test that without actually jumping into the fray, so to speak.

I feel very good where I am now. Safe and secure, without any real challenges. But my, that isn’t me, is it? I love challenges. I love getting headaches from difficult things. I adore exploring new places and making new friends.

Uncertainty and cowardice. Since when did I let these two rogues plague me so? It is almost laughable. I was the girl who would go places. I was the girl who would be accomplishing astonishing feats. I was, I was, I was.

But I still am, aren’t I? I am better and stronger now than ever before. I still have the respect and admiration of my peers and instructors. So why this sudden doubt in myself? Why this sudden, palpable fear of exploration and achievement?

I think I am afraid to lose everything again. The way it felt back then, you can only imagine. I was in a very dark place and I couldn’t seem to find my way out of it. My mind was torn at by internal demons; these same monsters spurned my heart a thousand times. I don’t want to go back there. I am not saying that I will or that I could even fall that far down again, but the mere idea of it is enough to make me freeze and stretch out these moments of peace just that much longer. I have my whole life ahead of me; why barrel through it at a lightning pace?

Ah, well. This started out so upbeat. I’m still happy though. I have good people in my life. And I do believe that counts for so much.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s