Kudos. You have officially turned me into a sap.
Lame. But I love you, so it’s all good. I can tolerate it, at least.
I always have to justify everything I do. It makes things feel better, to me, when things make sense.
Although I enjoy spontaneity.
Auughh. I am terrible at explaining things.
Let me try again.
I teeter on a thin line, between reason and insanity, dream and reality, creation and destruction, hope and despair, desire and indifference, destiny and free-will, delight and delirium. Most of the time I try to remain in the middle of two extremes, but there are moments when I jarringly steer toward one or the other.
OK. That makes no sense to me as I read it over. Gah.
Take Jean Grey for example.
When the Phoenix force bonded with her, it unleashed a side of her personality that had been suppressed. She was no longer the tame, sickeningly polite woman everyone thought was their friend; a fire was suddenly unleashed within her, and all the fiery, passionate emotions could not be pent up. She could be cruel, sarcastic and domineering.
The extreme duality of her personality is reminiscent of my own, though I am not trying in any way to compare myself to her. Underneath it all, Jean Grey is a compassionate, good and loving individual, even while she struggles with the intensity of her emotions and desires.
But I digress. The original topic of this particular blog slipped my mind.
How easily it happened. Just goes to show how much he means to me.
Ouch. Zing. Burn.
Life has been unusually good to me this year. While he isn’t the only reason that I’ve been so happy, I know I owe a good portion of this joy to David.
He’s witty and he doesn’t mind me poking fun at him constantly. And I do mean constantly.
He is also ridiculously sweet. He will literally sweep me off my feet, and despite my protests, I am actually a fan.
And he is so easy to talk to. The only times I am afraid to say anything to him are when I don’t want to come off as a sap. Prime example. Once I actually told him I was smitten. Mind you, I was sleepy, and when I’m tired or sleepy I can’t control my mouth. I say exactly whatever is on my mind, then I cringe in the aftermath.
Now, I don’t write this with the intention of inflating his already enormous ego, but just because I truly do care about him, and I am very grateful to have him in my life. I was never particularly good at showing my appreciation, but I am trying to remedy that.
Most of the time, if I say something sweet or do something cute, I immediately attempt to harshen it. I.e., “You’re a jerk,” or “I hate you.”
Juvenile, but I can’t help it.
I’m surprised it hasn’t gotten on his nerves yet.
(Oh, Blogger. You are absolutely lovely because you AUTOMATICALLY save my posts. I don’t ever have to worry about a computer crash erasing my genius.)
I was having a nice little chat with Lilly a few days ago, perhaps even a week ago. It was a day or so after David had sent me a very sweet text at around 2 a.m. I ventured to say that I think he might love me more than I love him, not that I was trying to quantify our feelings. She then said that I only said that to downplay my own feelings for him. She said that out of all the guys I’ve dated, I seem to like him so much more, and I click with him best. Lilly’s known me for years, and she’s always been around during the formative stages of my relationships, so I trust her input. Most of my close friends have echoed Lilly’s thoughts, that I seem so much happier and more like myself these days. I’m alive again. :]
And she was right about me trying to smother my feelings. I’ve written before that it is scary to find myself so in love with someone. At least I have grown enough that I don’t seriously consider sabotaging this relationship. It could possibly be one of the dumbest mistakes I could ever make. If our feelings change, I would much rather they peter out than abruptly disappear due to some stupid action of mine.
To be perfectly frank, I intended this blog to be mushier than it is, but I can’t seem to muster enough mush to do my duty well. I feel like this is coming off flat and without feeling, but I really do care about him a lot, and I love him more than he may realize.