I am still very young.
Five months more before I am legally allowed to drink. (Of course, age is nothing but a number and this number has done nothing to dissuade me from certain debauchery.)
Five months more before I am a full-fledged adult, I suppose.
I have always tried to be introspective; one learns nothing without reexamining her past.
And I do try to learn from everything I’ve experienced.
I used to believe that love could conquer all obstacles. Tonight I ask myself if I still believe this.
Day-by-day a small part of me lives firmly rooted in reality, the reality that includes school, work, family, friends and the boyfriend.
I live in reality. I am aware of it, I follow its rules, I try to understand it as best I can.
(Bear with me. This will all make sense in the end, I hope.)
I am firmly rooted in reality.
And yet, I reserve my heart in a very special place.
I’ve written before about Elsewhere. At least, I’ve mentioned it.
The place where most of my mind is at any given moment, the place where I like to think my true soul resides.
Elsewhere is the world I’ve created where all my lofty ideals, my high-blown adventures, all the passion I wish I could express in reality, are explored and left alone till fruition.
Perhaps the creation of this place is my downfall. I keep my true feelings locked away, for the most part.
I allow the two opposites of my personality to reign in wholly separate spheres; rarely are they required to compete.
My idealism and my realism do not have the opportunity to clash.
I think my idealistic self is my true self, and that reality bogs down my spirit enough so that I feel it necessary to compartmentalize it. When I was a little bit younger, I wasn’t so ashamed of my idealism. I was much less careful and didn’t guard my heart well enough.
Yes, love can conquer all obstacles. The one redeeming quality of humanity is its capacity to love.
I was telling Noel earlier that I still think love is one of the ultimate things this life has to offer.
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.”
The love I write of here is the stuff of fairy tales. The way two hearts can beat as one. The way that, come what may, two people can still love each other.
And while we only seem to read about this type of love these days, it does exist. We have forgotten how to love, so our children cannot learn, and so on.
Our hectic lives and society can make it impossible to make real connections with people. Love isn’t a priority.
I am being a hypocrite here. For me, love is not a priority.
I want to say that I would hold on for dear life once I found love. I wish I had the courage to make it a priority.
Because true love doesn’t stifle, or strangle, or hinder. It nourishes and encourages. It is simple, honest and open. And its growth continues indefinitely.
One might ask where my ideas of love come from. I can’t answer that. I just know it. I know what love is, I know what it should be, and I know what it isn’t.
Now, I want to tell you that I am in love.
So I will.
I am in love.
Meaning, I love someone and he loves me.
The certainty of the above used to frighten me, then it became novel, and now I accept it as simple fact.
I also want to apologize because I love, but I don’t believe I love as much as I am capable. At this point in my life I am too afraid to love that deeply.
So I’m sorry. I have love but I’m too scared.
I don’t express myself very well. A part of it is because I am afraid to let it out. Fear is my demon. It isn’t even that I fear my feelings aren’t going to be reciprocated. Because I’m certain they will be. (And I must confess, the idea that they are reciprocated frightens me a bit too.)
I’m getting muddled. Even now I’m holding myself back, and it makes me feel ashamed.
I just want to be open, but that is one of the most difficult things for me to completely do. Sorry, again.