"I became somebody through loving you."

Almost any love song makes me smile these days.

Isn’t that disgusting?

Mare: “That man has almost turned you into mush.”

Oh, would that she were wrong!

I used to write often about how wary I was of my strong feelings for him, and what they could possibly mean, and not much has changed these last few months, a fact which only serves to heighten this sense of wariness.

“Sometimes in life,
You run across a love unknown,
Without a reason, it feels like you, belong.
Hold on Dear Life,
Don’t go off running from what’s new,
I became somebody, through loving you.”

It’s a sappy song, yes.

And now time for something a little less so.

Its just Mari 12: i seriously think you guys can make it
Its just Mari 12: the only thing that’ll change is your uhhh.. well, sex life
Its just Mari 12: hahahaha
ooopinchme: damn
ooopinchme: haha
Its just Mari 12: but worth the wait, yes?
ooopinchme: i guess going from once every day or so to once every month or so
ooopinchme: isn’t nearly as bad as… going from once everyday or so
ooopinchme: to NOTHING
ooopinchme: haha
Its just Mari 12: hahaha
Its just Mari 12: YUP!
Its just Mari 12: It’s a drug! i swear
ooopinchme: yeah well
Its just Mari 12: hahaha
ooopinchme: it’s a drug i’m gladly addicted to, thank you very much

I suppose I’ll be needing a vibrator and a detachable showerhead when I finally move to San Francisco.

Now, on a more serious note:

(Well, hold on a second.

Its just Mari 12: i can see my going away gift to you.. a vibrator with a card saying.. “it’s not David.. but it’ll do”

I just had to include that for my own amusement.)

I wouldn’t say that what I am feeling is a sense of impending doom. Although it occasionally does feel as if I am barreling toward something terribly unpleasant.

(As I’m writing all of this, Mare is trying to knock some sense into me, but my stubborn ass is being relentless. Relentlessly stupid. I guess I’m in my paranoia mode. “Why does he love me? We won’t last THAT long anyway. His last girlfriend was better than me. He’s just fucking around with me.” Etcetera.

ooopinchme: even if it doesn’t work out
ooopinchme: i can find someone else eventually, yes?
ooopinchme: ugh
ooopinchme: i don’t like thinking like that though
Its just Mari 12: then don’t
Its just Mari 12: HAHA.
ooopinchme: 😛
Its just Mari 12: i felt like slapping you right now
Its just Mari 12: hahaha

Petty shit. Stupid shit. Meh. I need to stop. I’m not petty, nor am I stupid.)

Ordinarily I wouldn’t worry about this. However, I consider it very important, and it cannot be avoided forever. A decision will have to be made if we physically go our separate ways.

I don’t like to think about it. The moment my mind even touches the fringes of that dilemma, I shock myself and try to focus on something else, but tonight I felt it right to give my mind free reign to roam. I’m still hesitant.

I told him the other night that ideally I would want to see our relationship to its natural end, rather than it being stymied by something seemingly so arbitrary as distance.

Past experience has made me a very guarded individual. I tried the long distance thing once before and ended up wasting three years of my life.

But this is different. It’s not based on dependency. We actually compliment each other. He would never consciously hurt me or force me to do something I didn’t want to do.

Meh.

Perhaps my real problem lies in the fact that I am trying to think about this methodically instead of going with my gut. I stopped trusting my feelings a while ago, and I am still having difficulty with reestablishing that trust. I won’t admit what my heart is telling me here, but I hear it loud and clear on my end.

Until the moment comes, I’ll just content myself with knowing that he loves me, and that I love him. And I’ll just continue to enjoy our time spent together.

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