Sabotage!

“HALT!”

This may sound ridiculous, but I scream this to myself often.

Stop. Just don’t go there yet. You don’t have to feel it right now.

It’s a palpable decision, to simply say “No!” to one’s emotions. I feel it as a physical ache, or tug, in my chest.

But at some point I’ll have to let it happen. Bottling or suppressing emotions is a terrible coping mechanism.

It would be silly to cry over him now, so I refuse to do so. Even though I certainly feel like it right now.

Funny. It’s been a while since I’ve been stuck in these sort of doldrums.

I have a couple of things I need to finish tonight, but at the moment I really just want to curl up in bed and forget this life. I never hurt much in my other reality.

It’s terrible that my first instinct is to avoid my feelings. When it comes to matters of importance or any sort of emotional consequence, we humans are cowards. When we are presented with the opportunity to truly live, we shy away from it and prefer to skulk in the shadows, choosing to deal with the trivial aspects of our lives that only prove to act as filler.

I suppose I am a romantic at heart. A romantic idealist is a dangerous thing. And a romantic idealist forcing herself to live as a realist is simply a live grenade. Somehow I got the idea in my head that I deserve all that this life can afford, and somehow I also came to the conclusion that some things, like true love and happiness, are impossible to find. A testament to my conflicting nature, I suppose.

Occasionally I get it in my head that it was easier to function decades ago. Every aspect of life served a specific purpose, a practical function, to keep society running. Marrying for money or status was completely acceptable, and planned on. But these days, we’ve somehow been caught up by “love,” and that one purpose of life is to find someone to share life with. This, in my eyes, explains the high divorce rate. We marry for love, which isn’t necessarily a concrete thing, and it can dissolve easily. So we marry, fall out of love, divorce, and get right back out there to find someone else, because we’re all taught that there is SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR US.

This brings me to the notion of soul mates, which I absolutely loathe. It is impossible that there is only one person out there for us. It is more feasible that there are several people in the world one could be compatible with, and for different reasons.

I count Guevarra as one of my soul mates, simply because he “gets” me better than most people. We have always been in sync in terms of emotions, and even when it comes to certain big events in our lives.

Danny is another soul mate. He has always understood me. And he knows how to calm me down.

Meh. I just went on this bizarre tangent, but at least it has put me in a more manageable mood.

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