"Life is very hard."

You said it, Charlie Brown!

I have this terrible tendency, where, once I put my trust in someone, I easily slip into the habit of leaning on them a bit too heavily.

This… semblance of dependency irks me, chiefly because I try to live by standing on my own two feet. I learned a hard lesson when I tried to ask for help and I found myself virtually abandoned by the people who are supposed to stand by me.

I don’t want to be dependent on someone else for my happiness. It is almost beginning to feel that way though.

For the last month or so I have been stuck in these bizarre doldroms, and my typical sunny self only comes out when I’m with him. Irritating, no?

I function just fine, for the most part. Perhaps I am a tad lazier than I typically am, but I regularly go through intense procrastination phases.

Work gets done. And it isn’t particularly shoddy work either. I know I could do much better if I cared a bit more, but I have always been lacking in the passion department.

I’m intimidated by those people who seem to be driven. They who have an odd gleam in their eyes, a spark where most people have only a blank stare.

I want passion. I want to feel passionately. I don’t want to pretend to be motivated. I want something to light a fire under my ass.

I want some big, lofty goal. But anything I consider for myself seems too ridiculous, or even too forced.

I don’t want this passion to rely on a person though. I want to be swept off my feet by the majesty of something other.

David said I’ve always struck him as the type of person who appreciates the little things. I suppose this is true. I can become mesmerized by the dance of leaves on the wind, or the rain hitting my window. Maybe that’s my problem? That almost any little thing can give me pleasure.

I don’t know. Babbling before class. A class I find excruciatingly dull and irritating.

Meh.

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