Lately it seems as though the lives of the people I love are being torn asunder, and my helplessness in every single situation is fueling my recent anxiety.
I hate Danny for being absolutely right about my nature. I care so much, often to the point of my own detriment. It’s almost altruism, but not exactly, for it mostly applies to people for whom I have a fierce loyalty.
There was a short period where I tried with all my might to resist this part of me. I wanted to be wholly selfish and horrible, because sometimes it truly feels like it is simpler. It is easier to control your life that way; adding the livelihoods and well-beings of others to the mix just increases apprehension, especially for me.
After getting off of the phone with a friend two nights ago, I felt such a strong sinking feeling in my heart. I ended up sitting at my desk in silence for a long while, frozen by helplessness and my unhappiness for her.
Sometimes all one can do is be there to listen, to provide that shoulder to cry on, but the desire to do something more sometimes cripples me.
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Being selfish and horrible does seem a lot simpler. There have been times I’ve resented my sister for knocking my ego down a notch every time I would attempt this. There is such a risk of heart ache when one cares.