Now that Mother has actually come through with something major, I am beside myself with confusion. I need to work backward through years of repressed resentment and anger, with forgiveness as the main goal.
To be perfectly honest, I am thankful that she finally kept her word. It has happened so sporadically over the last few years that I was ready to give up. But a faint worry gnaws at me; this doesn’t necessarily mean that I can trust her, just because she kept her word this time.
Meh, insecurities. I will take it day-by-day, and I’ll keep playing nice. Even though I’ve spent the last few years latching onto surrogate mothers (my ex’s mom, Anne Marie, teachers/advisers, etc.), I’ve always known that she is my only true mother, and I should make more of an effort to build a better relationship with her.
That admission aside, it would seem that now there is only one person in the world whom I hate with all my heart. I want to be a better person, but by forgiving him, I would be doing myself a grave disservice. At least, that is how it seems. He shouldn’t get away unscathed from those awful years.
I recognize that I have to get over myself. Yes, he hurt me physically, mentally and emotionally. And though this does not excuse anything he did, I take some responsibility for placing myself in such a vulnerable state.
Perhaps that is why I still hate him so; he took advantage of a weak version of myself. I can’t forgive myself for ever being that way. If I let it all go, I feel as though I would be condoning my past self.
I was young, lonely and very sad. I cannot yet take solace from who I am now, despite the fact that my life is turning out OK. This could very well be a scar that may never fade away.
But eh, stranger things have most certainly happened. It isn’t bloody likely any time soon though.