Inchoate rage

I was just listening/reading this:

If You’re Often Angry Or Irritable, You May Be Depressed

https://www.npr.org/player/embed/689747637/691221630

And it made so much sense to me. I’m often irritable and angry for no apparent reason. I always thought it was better than being depressed, but it appears it may be a part of my depression.

It is a bit of a relief to know I’m not alone. I always thought anger was completely separate from my depression, that anger was a healthier reaction because at least it’s more active.

But it is just as destructive as feelings of sadness and hopelessness. You may actively end up pushing people away with angry outbursts. I’ve done that a few times. I may have done so as recently as last week.

The part I struggle with is whether it’s really me. Differentiating myself from my symptoms has been difficult. I’m not really a sullen, sad sack of shit, even if that’s how I feel most of the time. My depression is not me. My depression prevents me from being my true self. If it’s not me, it feels like this separate entity that I carry on my shoulders every day. Like Yoda, except not particularly helpful or encouraging, and nowhere near as entertaining.

However, this does not excuse my behavior, it merely explains it. I don’t like how I am, how I sometimes behave toward people. I think that’s one reason I shy away from social interactions. I get easily affected by many things, and I don’t always react appropriately. In fact, I try not to react and take a step back so I have a more proper, measured response.

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