Ups and downs

In the midst of my depression, there are waves of euphoria. I guess that’s where the borderline personality disorder tendencies come in. Along with the following:

  • Fear of abandonment
  • Unstable relationships
  • Unclear or shifting self-image
  • Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors
  • Self-harm
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Explosive Anger
  • Feelings of suspicion or being out of touch with reality

I could go into great detail about how I fit into borderline personality disorder, but right now I’m feeling pretty jubilant.

It won’t last very long, so I might as well cling to it and write about it.

What has me feeling so overjoyed? My career.

I love being a librarian. I truly believe in the mission of public libraries. As someone I know recently tweeted:

Public libraries are the bastions of democracy, of connection, of co-creating knowledge, of direct service and of possibility. Invest in them.

Public libraries are the last public good. The last free community space available to anyone. It feels wonderful to be a part of something so vital, in such a vibrant city. We provide such a variety of services to as much of the population as we can.

Personally, becoming a librarian has been a saving grace. For five years I toiled in a job that wasn’t going anywhere. I didn’t feel very heard or appreciated/valued, and I certainly didn’t feel like I could be creative.

Especially in my current role, with my staff and colleagues, I have everything that was lacking in my previous job.

And that feels so good.

So, that’s why I feel so joyous right now. I’m immersed in appreciation for what I do. I’ve found my niche, my vocation, and I will only continue to grow from here. That’s such a wonderful thing to acknowledge.

If I didn’t have librarianship, I might be dead by now. For a long while, it seemed that my personal life and professional life were both going nowhere. To have such large voids in my being was devastating on so many levels. I had nothing to look forward to, nothing that brought value or meaning to my life.

Finally, I broke into the library world in the public library system I’d wanted to work for since I considered becoming a librarian. It was literally a dream come true.

Now, the work continues on the personal, interior life. It’s a long daily slog but maybe it will be worth it. Right now, I feel hopeful.

Here’s to becoming more well-adjusted, more self-aware, and more at peace!

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