As the title suggests, here we are. Five months later.
I’m feeling better. It was a little touch-and-go there for a little while, but as usual, I pull through.
Toward the end of August, I had a full-on breakdown, and after speaking to my parents, whisked myself away to LA to recuperate for a few days.
The physical distance was good. Seeing old friends was great. And spending time with family was comforting.
Once again, I attempted to be vulnerable, and once again my heart was broken.
I hope this is the first and last time I end up someone’s mistress. Was I naive? Probably. But generally all one can do is trust what is being presented to them at face-value. I can’t live my life being wholly mistrustful of men, although I have plenty of reasons to do so.
So, I’m taking a break. No dating. I choose joy, and my joy is found in my friends and family.
Despite this, someone continues to harass me. I’ve had profiles created for me on two old dating sites, using actual photos, and today someone signed me up for Christianity.com, all using my real email address. It’s not a private email but who would take the time to do any of this?
Frankly, I find it all boorish, but also pathetic and a little funny.
If this is a game, as one of my friends suggests, I’m winning.
But I don’t care about “winning;” I just want to be left alone.
If you’re reading this, leave me the fuck alone.
In October, I visited Mexico City with my buddy Alan. We ate and shopped our way around the city, visiting various neighborhoods and learning history along the way.
When I returned, I jumped right into the 6th Filipino American International Book Festival, which I helped organize. I also moderated a panel of graphic novelists and filmed other panels for posterity. I even wrote about the festival in Mahalaya SF. I spent far too much money on Filipinx literature, but I hardly feel bad about it. I met so many amazing kindred spirits, as I did at my first book festival in 2019.
Here is my little fur family as of December 2022. They depend on me as much as I depend on them. My favorite thing right now is arriving home from work in the evening and being greeted by all three felines. Their big personalities are so distinct.
This is also the insert going out with my holiday cards. So I’m unveiling it a little prematurely.
I only have 12 holiday cards this year; consider yourself special if you receive one. I’m not kidding.
I’ve been in the holiday spirit since my birthday in November. The birthday started early with an impromptu dinner with Alan and Mel. The actual day began with a lovely lunch with Christine, followed by a weekend brunch with Alex and Mosby at Alnico. We did some old-fashioned karaoke and video-gaming at Round 1 too.
I put up my new pencil Christmas tree before Thanksgiving this year; a first for me. So far, it’s remained safe from all the kitties. They seem indifferent to it because it’s artificial; real trees usually excite them a bit more.
Some of the old Excelsior crew took me out to dinner for my birthday as well; it has been a yearly tradition since at least 2018(?).
Later in the month at Thanksgiving lunch, my family brought out a special cake for me.
Suffice it to say, November was wonderful.
December is shaping up to be just as special. It started off with designing a parol with FAAE/Pistahan for the SF Parol Lantern Festival. We won first place with our design!
Next came a mini reunion of colleagues from my COVID Command Center days. I was in the COVID communications trenches with these women; if you saw an informational poster or read any tweets when the pandemic was at its worst, that was my team.
Christmas is already nearly upon us, and I’m looking forward to spending more time with my family. I’ve been purchasing presents here and there; I’ve been shopping since November.
It feels good to be able to give. Receiving used to be what Christmas was all about when we were children. Now I look forward to surprising people with thoughtful gifts. Or a thoughtful book. I am a librarian, after all.
The last few months have been an emotional rollercoaster but I am comforted by the knowledge that I can and will always persevere. Years of therapy and the addition of meds have helped me get to where I am today. It was so much work but I’m finding it worth it so far.
Jaena Rae 