I remember many things. Instances of feelings.
Explosions of love.
Sudden expressions of certain camaraderie.
Immense heartache.
Paralyzing guilt.
Terrible anger.
I have stories for each, if you are interested.
I have stories about each of you, if you would care to be reminded.
Love.
Falling into love. Melting with it. Being engulfed by it. Nothing I ever imagined when I was younger could prepare me for it. I remember each instant when I realized I loved another person. My heart felt like it would explode within me. It is such a warm feeling. A full feeling. It makes one believe that all is right in the world, or at least that things aren’t as bad, as long as there is love. When I first fell in love with David, I initially chose disbelief over acceptance. But love is not something that may be planned for, and I fell hard and fast. And sometimes I still feel like I’m falling. But it’s a good feeling, and not at all scary.
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We never speak of falling in love with our friends. But it happens. However, we love in such a way that we don’t feel it correct to label it as “love.”
I love my friends. I have loved them ever since I realized I could speak to them about anything.
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“If everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again.”
I am humbled by all the good in my life. Humbled and awed.
Because I’ve met so many soul mates.
I always hated the notion of a single soul mate. Out the billions of people in the world, how is it possible that there is only one person out there for me?
I do not mean this to be demeaning in any way, but we meet and keep people in our lives because they serve key functions. They connect with us on certain levels for various reasons.
There are many people out there who can help us become better individuals.
I have been fortunate to meet many such people.
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Tonight I have been struck by a very rare sort of clarity.
Unburdened by the ability of love to transcend all things terrible.
I feel free.
Jaena Rae 