We all fall victim to those silly fears that seem to manifest and fester in the backs of our minds.
One of mine is that once my friends find someone they love, our friendship will change for the worse.
As I’ve mentioned before, I accept and believe that change is inevitable, and that in order to survive in this life one must learn to roll with the punches, so to speak.
But it’s scary, nonetheless.
I have many close friends. People whom I love dearly, people whom I consider my soul mates.
It’s normal for me to feel wary when someone else comes along.
Example:
I’ve known Donna since we were babies. Our dads are best friends, and have been friends since before we were born. She is currently dating someone I feel is unsatisfactory, for many qualified reasons. I rarely see here these days because of school and work, and she spends most of her free time with him.
I admit there is a twinge of jealousy, but also I don’t think he is right for her, nor that he is good enough for my friend.
But because of how things are now, I am afraid that it may reach the point where she might have to choose between me and him. I would never want to put her in that position, but I am starting to see it as inevitable.
Another example:
When a friend of mine has a girlfriend, I always feel guilty for spending one-on-one time with him. If you know me, you would not think I am a threat whatsoever. I am one of the guys, and the view of me as one of them won’t be changing any time soon.
But many females tend to be wary of me, and inadvertently make the boyfriend/my friend feel guilty for spending quality time with me.
Thus, less quality time. Or, the time is soiled by her shadow, which seems to hover over us, making the time tick by much faster than it needs to.
Meh.
Insecurities. And jealousy.
I don’t think I could take it if another best friend of mine is snatched away from me, because it honestly feels that way.
It breaks my heart.
I love seeing my friends happy, and they all deserve to be so.
I’m just afraid of being left behind and forgotten.
I am sorry for being selfish, but I am also trying to admit my own humanity to myself by allowing my fears to be openly discussed.
For far too long I’ve tried to appear staid and stable. And I am so, for the most part. But I do have my fears and my worries.
I can’t always be a rock.
Or a superhero.
But I can admit my weaknesses. I can accept my fears.
And I am willing to learn from them to better myself.
Jaena Rae 