It is now just about Day 4 of going cold turkey.
Hum. I’m certain I’m not enjoying this. So far it has only proven to me that I may be a needier individual than I initially thought.
Well, either that, or I am much more spoiled than I ever realized. Both options do not sit very well with me.
And if you’re feeling a bit thick-headed tonight, of course I am referring to Saunders here. He has been in San Francisco for the last few days, trying to figure out our living situation in the next week and a half. So far, he has just become ridiculously addicted to Craig’s List.
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I am not the sort of person who deals in “what-ifs,” but lately I have been thinking in those terms more frequently.
What if I’d never stood up to my mother when I was 14?
What if I’d never gone out with Oz?
What if I’d never come back from Boston?
And where would I be now if I had decided to stick it out with Oz?
Possibilities and ambiguity.
To the first question posed, I would probably be a lot like my mom. A truly frightening prospect, indeed. More than likely, I’d still be living with her in some random state.
To the second, I probably would have fidgeted around with the Din for the rest of high school, leaving me able to start college off with a fresh start.
If I was still in Boston, I could very well be graduating with my bachelor’s degree this spring; I may have already had an internship with one of the local papers there, and I most definitely would have been working on the university newspaper.
The final question is perhaps the most difficult for me to imagine, and only because I cringe at the possibility. If I was still with Oz at this point, I would not be me. I would be a shell, a mere shadow of the person I am now.
I refuse to be a wallflower now.
Perhaps I am analyzing past choices now because I am at the cusp of a new phase in my life. I want to be certain that I have no regrets regarding the decisions I have made, and I want to reaffirm my commitment to these decisions.
Well, I am damn happy to report that things are dandy.
