incubusoflight: If we DID go to Europe
incubusoflight: 99% sure I’d sell my car
That idea is more attractive on some days than others.
I miss him. I find myself missing the old days more and more. As if much has changed since then.
Insecurities bother me. I understand them. I understand why people have them. And it isn’t as if I’m lacking in that department either.
But boy, are some people crippled by them.
This strange incapacitation is what I can’t wrap my mind around.
I am of that vein of thinking in which people are ultimately responsible for themselves. Life consists of a myriad of choices. There are a million situations and instances that are far beyond our control. Our reactions to them are our only responsibilities, and the only things we do have power over.
I do not like to think that I am not a superhero. I function so well because I believe I can do anything. There is no other explanation. My saving grace is that I can take things as they come, that I know I can handle almost anything.
Oh, I hate it when these things become mere rants. This is a place for feelings; not necessarily actual happenings. I suppose that is why I enjoy reading my blogs; it makes me realize how much I have really left unsaid or unwritten. Something strangely empowering about that.
I don’t want to feel afraid. So I don’t. Unless David is driving, of course. Then I can’t help myself.
Control over our basic impulses sets us apart from animals.
What do I really want to do with my time? Cry. I want to complain and cry. I want to leave. I want to take Danny with me.
Mostly I want to cry. I miss my grandma. I miss the easy feeling of going to her house, knowing she’ll feed me or give me gas money even though I’m too goddamn proud to ask. I miss going through the motions of refusing her help even though ultimately we both know she’ll win out. I miss hearing her and my grandpa argue.
But I can’t do that forever. Nor can I really afford to do it for long.
I somehow got it in my mind that remaining able to function, and function well, is a testament to my own strength.
But then again, I get a lot of funky ideas.
And in moments like this, a little vice goes a long way in comforting me.
I don’t think I’m such a terrible person these days. I’m more happy with myself than I ever have been, but you know, sometimes one must do things others may deem… “unsavory,” in order to get by.
In “Batman Begins,” there is a quote that goes something like the following: “It’s not who I am underneath; it’s what I do that defines me.”
Well, as a caveat, must we add “in the public eye” to qualify that statement? I haven’t seen it in the comics, but I always figured that Batman would be just a bit of an alcoholic. Never enough to seriously impair his Olympian physique, of course.
Meh. A tangent.
I love tangents though. If I had absolutely no worry of losing the reader, I’d go off on tangents all the time. While there are a few places I’d prefer my mind to not wander, for the most part I would love to give it free reign.
“Snip snap,” says Killface.
“Frisky Dingo” is the herald of death for my schoolwork.