I’m a bit disappointed with myself, although that is not the unusual thing.
What is unusual is that I’ve grown so accustomed to the rush of my current life that I’ve been overlooking Life in general. Sometimes it is easier to focus on the mundane societal time clock than on the intricacies and big dreams that make Life grand and worthwhile.
I find that I’ve been drowning myself out lately. Running around at a breakneck pace with my ears plugged with tiny ear buds isn’t exactly conducive to anything particularly intellectually stimulating or gratifying. I don’t want to hear my self-doubt or the unwavering chorus of my fears. I do not want to do anything that would cause me to waver or even slow down a little bit.
This sense of harried purpose drives me through these days, even though the end result is still so unclear. And I suppose that is one of the worries I am trying to shut out. I don’t know what I want to do; I just know I have to keep doing Something.
I’ve been so tired at night. Unfortunately, it never feels like I have enough sleep. It seems as though I shut my eyes at night only to quickly open them and find the daylight seeping through vertical blinds. A mere blink and the new day has already begun.
I want more than this unwavering determination. I want answers to the questions that I’ve asked and have been asked since I was a child.
What do I want to be when I grow up?
Where do I see myself in ten years?
What do you want your Life to mean?
Oh, I still don’t know. It feels as though I’ll never know the answers to those first two questions.
As the years pass, the latter question becomes the more manageable.
I realize that I don’t need extravagance. I’m aware of the difference I make in the lives around me. I know I am capable of so much more. I appreciate the little things in Life in addition to the big grand picture. The crunch of autumn leaves beneath my feet, or the sights and sounds and smells of the bustling city I traverse on an almost daily basis are equally awe-inspiring. The love of parents for their children, or the unfathomable kindness of a stranger is almost enough to make me prostrate myself in the face of such admirable qualities.
For I see the beauty in so many things. It is more than enough to remind me that the world can truly be a wonder.
The very imperfection of Life is what I love most.
I just wish I could shake the notion that I have to transform this love into something profitable.