Stuck in a rut

Things I did today:

  • Self-defense training at work
  • Lunch with coworkers at Brenda’s
  • Walked home from the restaurant
  • Grocery shopping
  • Took out the trash
  • Scrubbed kitchen floor
  • Cleaned bathroom
  • Started packing for New Orleans
  • Roasted a cauliflower and some asparagus and butternut squash
  • Made turkey banh mi meatballs following this recipe, subbing turkey for pork
  • Downloaded State of Decay 2 on my Xbox

How I feel after accomplishing all of this: listless and empty

I should feel accomplished, but it’s 8 p.m. and I just want to cry. I never seem to do enough to keep me distracted from myself. I don’t know if that makes sense. Once you get all the way underneath, I’m a pretty gloomy person. I can barely stand spending time alone with myself. It’s difficult not to feel like depression is my natural mode. Any still moment is followed by rage, self-loathing, and finally, despondency.

I’m in the thick of it now. Hopefully I can find something to keep my mind engaged.

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