Bollocks to the ordinary.

After two days of sweltering heat, the Yay Area is back to its normal frigidity. Huzzah. The past two days have really driven home how much I’ve already grown accustomed to the area. Now I just need to force myself outside more often, but I don’t want to get to that point of the grieving process yet. To be honest, every time I go outside something inevitably reminds me of my grandma. It’s almost been three months. I still prefer not to think about it, though I can tell you I miss her dearly.

But enough self-pity. On to self-reflection.

—–

A husband, 2.5 kids, a sprawling house in Suburbia and a regular 9-to-5 job?

Pffft. Who needs those when the whole world beckons?

From the moment you are born, to the minute before you breathe your last, society attempts to dictate your every desire. It turns these desires into a perceived need.

… everything in your head or what you have been taught is constructed. It is the crucial understanding to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Once you realize this, the entire world shifts and becomes suspect. Good. It is precisely this higher level of thinking that will save you not only in college, but throughout your whole life. Alas, so few people ever realize this, merely accepting the world as presented as an absolute truth.
– Leibs

No shit the world suddenly becomes suspect. But it is such a good sort of suspect.

I always fear that one day I will wake up deeply unhappy, even with a steady career and a good husband. Getting married or having children without being fully invested or fully aware of my own feelings in either situation sounds awful to me. I’ve mentioned before a story that a professor once related to our class. Her mentor seemed to be one of those women who built herself a perfect life, and yet one day she felt strongly enough to finally take her life.

I can only imagine how trapped she felt. Sometimes I already feel caught in a chain of events I can’t control.

My childhood was a clash between typical societal pressures and my own burgeoning personality. I was given Barbie dolls, tea sets, doll houses and a fabulously pink Power Wheels Barbie corvette. I never had a baby doll and a stroller, thank god. I was being groomed for society’s concept of an ideal woman. I was inadvertently being told I wanted to be thin and heartbreakingly fashionable, that I wanted a mansion with a magnificent foyer. And I was led to believe that marriage and children are part of the natural progression of life.

It took a while for the adults to figure out I wanted science books, Legos, rocks and stamps. At least they let me out to play with the boys by age 7. I never went back to the Barbie dolls.

When I was in middle school, a favorite pastime for girls was to plan out every facet of the fairytale wedding they were destined to have. Gag. I never spoke about my own desires, but I did humor my friends. We discussed everything from the style of wedding dress, the bridesmaid dress colors, and the types of floral bouquets to cakes and the perfect season for a wedding. It was always Spring, by the way.

It always felt strange. I was never in a rush to get a boyfriend and fall in love. All of a sudden it seemed as if every girl my age was already obsessed with marriage. I missed the memo, apparently.

Do I ever want to marry? The answer is not so simple.

Do I want to marry just because that seems like the natural thing to do? Perhaps my opinion will change when I meet the right type of person for me. Maybe once I do, marriage will become more of a certainty.

As it is now, marriage seems more of a defunct validation of a relationship. It operates on a more functional, institutional capacity than a true expression of what I believe love to be. I know people who marry would say otherwise, but for me personally, I don’t see the point of it.

And that seems terribly sad to me. If I marry, I want it to be for the right reasons. If I marry, I want to be certain it is because I truly want to, and not because it is expected of me.

This also applies to my view of having children. Again, personally, I don’t see why I would want to have kids. Any reason I can drum up seems selfish.

I don’t need to have a biological legacy.
I don’t need to bring a life into the world just to teach it things I’ve learned about life.
I don’t need to have a child to feel my life has been fulfilled.
I don’t want a child just so I can show it Life the way I never experienced it.
I don’t want to play god.

We aren’t animals anymore. We don’t all need to reproduce to continue the species. And there are many people in this world who probably shouldn’t have children.

I do have to add, however, that there is a small element of fear here. Both marriage and children are heavy commitments that entail so much personal sacrifice. I would prefer not to add more of that to my life.

I admitted to David that if marriage and children somehow became a part of my life soon, I would end up treating both as mere experiments. I hated myself for admitting it, but the element of truth is there. If I found myself in either situation, I would try to make the best of either. Would I be happy? Eh. It might be a mindless sort of happiness, but then, is that really happiness?

My problem is that I am always ridiculously aware of my motivations. Self-introspection is never for naught. Since I make a concerted effort to be so transparent with myself, I also have to examine the why of anything I do. Part of this tendency of mine is to inject as much control into my life as is realistically feasible.

That old adage of “Ignorance is bliss” hits me hardest when I’m trapped in what feels like circular thinking.

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